In a stunning turn of events, former President Donald Trump announced his latest energy initiative, cheekily dubbed "Energy Supremacy," designed to catapult the United States into a new era where fossil fuels reign supreme, and climate change is reduced to mere background noise. His blueprint, unveiled during a press conference held on an oil rig off the coast of Texas, appears to be a cleverly disguised petrostate playbook aimed at elevating the U.S. to ‘supreme’ global energy overlord status. Wearing a hard hat and a suit that looked suspiciously like a repurposed oil slick, Trump passionately declared, “We are going to produce so much energy, folks, that even the sun will be jealous!” He then proceeded to introduce his groundbreaking strategy: a full embrace of fossil fuels, with a side of bureaucratic sleight of hand so deft it would make a magician weep. The plan includes reopening coal mines, “reinvigorating” fracking, and offering tax incentives to oil tycoons just because they really, really like money. Under “Energy Supremacy,” Trump suggested the government could tap into the vast reserves of untapped natural gas located strategically under every golf course in America. “It's just sitting there, waiting for us,” he said, gesturing grandly to a nearby structure emblazoned with both “Make America Oil Again” and “Trump ‘24.” His vision didn’t stop at energy independence, however; the plan aims for global domination by forming an “Alliance of Petro States.” He announced the first meeting to take place in the underground bunker of Mar-a-Lago, where members will "discuss gas prices, enrich our tankers, and shoot rockets that look like oil rigs." Invitations were said to be extended to Russia, Saudi Arabia, and ExxonMobil’s CEO, whom Trump referred to as “my good buddy Rex.” Critics were quick to shine a light on the plan's blatant disregard for environmental standards, with one environmentalist exclaiming, “It’s like putting a toddler in charge of an art museum – everything’s going to be smashed and covered in paint.” Meanwhile, a spokesperson for the new initiative boasted that “Energy Supremacy doesn’t mean we’ll ignore climate change; we just prefer to call it seasonal weather variation." When pressed about the consequences, Trump waved his hand dismissively, declaring, “Climate change is just a beautiful marketing campaign by Democrats who don’t know how to drive!” The crowd erupted in cheers, probably appreciating the distraction from their own climbing utility bills. International pundits were left scratching their heads over how a world leader could propose such a bold retreat into the past. However, the White House insiders maintain Trump has a “sick” knack for remembering what the 1950s were like and that “someone had to lead the charge back to the glorious days of lead paint and asbestos.” As the press conference wrapped up, Trump concluded with his signature flourish, “If we’re gonna be addicted to energy, then let’s make it a party!” To which the audience responded with raucous applause, envisioning a future dominated by plentiful, greasy energy and endless tailgate parties fueled by the "bountiful" natural resources supposedly hidden away in America’s backyards. And so, in a nation poised at the brink of either catastrophic climate neglect or an era of “patriotic” petroleum, one cannot help but wonder if they’ve unwittingly stepped into a real-life dystopian sitcom where the punchline is always just one frack away from disaster. All hail “Energy Supremacy,” where nothing says greatness quite like an overflowing oil barrel!