In a bold and unprecedented move, former President Donald Trump declared a national "Energy Emergency" this week, unequivocally stating that the United States has reached a critical juncture in its battle against—wait for it—overly conscientious climate change activism. Claiming carbon emissions have entered a “conspiracy” with the weather, Trump asserted that environmentalists are secretly manipulating rainfall with the sole intent of ruining his golf game. “Folks, we’re facing a crisis like never before – global warming is so bad, even my frosty relationship with the press is starting to melt,” Trump reported during a rally held in a state-of-the-art brewery that doubles as his favorite beer garden. In the face of this so-called energy catastrophe, the former president laid out his actionable plan: a nationwide surge in coal production, which he said will be temporarily renamed “Freedom Coal” in a patriotic marketing initiative. “Why go green when you can go gold? I’m talking about the glorious, glistening black rock that built this great nation,” he proclaimed, gesturing to an oversized picture of himself on a bulldozer. Supporters of the “Energy Emergency” have started promoting the unsubstantiated idea that plants thrive on carbon dioxide, asserting that there is, in fact, no limit to how many fossil fuels humans can burn. "If we burn fast enough, we’ll just create new jobs in coal reforestation,” one enthusiastic rally attendee declared, brandishing a makeshift sign reading, “More Coal, Less Bowl (of salad)." To further bolster his case, Trump proposed a series of research grants for scientists willing to explore groundbreaking inventiveness in energy production, on the condition that no “tree-hugging hippies” be involved. “We need real scientists,” he insisted, “ones who wear lab coats and hats that say ‘Make Energy Great Again!’” The declaration was met with widespread enthusiasm from climate skeptics who rallied outside the your-local-coal-mine, equipped with smartphones instead of shovels, tweeting voraciously that “Climate Change is fake news!” They celebrated the development by releasing a strategic Twitter hashtag: #CarbonIsLife, thus completing the all-important cycle of irony. Meanwhile, a recent report from the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change sarcastically noted that “if we continue to disregard the consequences associated with fossil fuel consumption, we might just reach a point where the only ice left on the planet is in the cocktails of tech billionaires living in their climate-controlled bubbles.” Responding to the report, Trump shrugged and mentioned how exhilarating it must be to have a personal server for such catastrophic news. As reports of rising sea levels draw closer to suburbia, experts are left to wonder why Trump isn’t organizing boat races in these newly formed oceans, thereby uniting America under the banner of recreation, while “reviving” American shipping routes. After all, what’s a little rising tide in exchange for an inflatable pontoon party? As the climate catastrophe unfolds, only time will tell if the true energy emergency lies with Mother Nature or simply within the realm of politically charged narratives. Until then, one thing remains clear: the only thing harder to contain than climate change seems to be laughter amidst the chaos. So sit back, grab a Freedom Coal beverage, and don’t forget to blame the wind.