In a dazzling display of political prowess, former President Donald Trump announced his triumphant return to the world of coal mining, promising to "bring back the black gold" while casually ignoring the slight inconvenience of climate change. Standing in front of a massive pile of coal dust—a modern-day Mount Rushmore of fossil fuel reverence—Trump declared that the "coal industry is back, folks!" as he officially unveiled his new campaign: "Make America Gritty Again." Clad in a hard hat and sunglasses, Trump reveled in nostalgia as he recounted cherished memories of "yesteryear when America was powered by coal and not by any of that tree-hugging nonsense." The ex-president's speech was peppered with classic one-liners, including, "Out with windmills and in with the real deal! They don’t call it a 'windy city' for nothing!" While environmental scientists simultaneously shed tears and hurled their coffee mugs at the screens, Trump insisted that coal is the answer to all of America's woes. At a press conference, he casually dismissed criticism about carbon emissions stating, "What’s the big deal? The Earth’s been around for billions of years. It can handle a little smoke. Besides, have you seen the profits? Tremendous!" As cheers erupted from a supposedly handpicked crowd of enthusiastic coal miners—each wearing T-shirts declaring “Coal: the Real Renewable”—Trump revealed plans to loosen regulations, promising that safety checks would be replaced by a new motto: "If it ain't broke, don't fix it, and if it is broke, fix it later." Critics were quick to point out that not a single coal miner was present among the ranks of supporters. “I was busy,” said one local miner in a recliner watching Netflix, but not before discreetly tossing a few coal emojis into a group chat. Experts noted that striking a balance between nostalgia and progress has never been Trump's strong suit, but they were eager to see how much steam (pun fully intended) he could generate before the next election cycle. Meanwhile, Trump's campaign also introduced a new line of merchandise: “Coal and Comebacks,” a branded collection of hats, T-shirts, and thermoses for that much-needed injection of fossil fuel enthusiasm during morning coffee. The tagline? “We’ve got our heads in the clouds and our feet in the soot!” As the event concluded, Trump waved goodbye with a thorough demonstration of more smoke than anyone thought possible, declaring, "Let’s ignite this economy!" Moments later, an unsuspecting squirrel coughed and fainted, an unfortunate victim of what many are now dubbing "Trumplung." Back in the real world, climate activists rallied outside in protest, wielding signs that read, “Coal is so last century!” But Trump, in true fashion, simply called them “the radical left's Lack-of-Coal Coalition” and turned the sound of their chants into a new campaign jingle, punctuated with the catchphrase “It’s coal or be coal-ed!” So, while the planet teeters on the edge of environmental collapse, Trump steps right back into the spotlight, proudly waving the flag of fossil fuels and reminding America that nothing says progress quite like 19th-century technology. As he concluded his coal speech with a wink and a promise to build an actual coal-themed amusement park called "Coal-o-Rama," one can only wonder what other nostalgic industries might be next on the chopping block—or zaftik business model, as it were. Only time will tell if all this will blow over or if we’re watching a new era of explosive endorsement for traditional powers… as the climate crumbles in a smoky haze.