In a bold move that has left environmentalists shaking their heads and miners prepping their hard hats, former President Donald Trump celebrated the reopening of the Coal Hollow Mine this week, a site with a rich history of danger and a casual disregard for worker safety that would make any reality television producer blush. “Coal is back, folks!” Trump proclaimed enthusiastically at the mine's entrance, which is nestled conveniently near three fault lines and a Superfund site. The crowd erupted in applause, motivated perhaps by the free hot dogs and hats emblazoned with “Make Coal Great Again,” rather than a genuine belief in the sustainability of fossil fuels. The Coal Hollow Mine, infamous for its numerous safety violations and a track record that includes methane leaks, cave-ins, and the occasional spontaneous combustion, has been a local favorite for decades—especially among the county’s ambulance-chasing lawyers. In an unprecedented show of support, the state has even expedited the granting of permits that are usually reserved for high-risk activities like setting off fireworks while bungee jumping. “Sure, we’ve had a few minor accidents,” said mine manager Buddy “Safety Third” Johnson, who wore a hard hat that appeared to be neither secure nor regulation-compliant. “But you can’t make an omelet without cracking a few eggs. And in this case, the ‘eggs’ just happen to be our miners’ safety records.” Watching proudly from the sidelines was Trump’s newly appointed Secretary of Coal, a fictional character made up of half a coal bucket and a fervent love for all things black lung-related. “We’re here to honor the brave men and women who risk it all to keep America powered,” he declared, while standing conveniently a safe distance from the mine entrance surrounded by props that resembled actual miners, complete with terrifyingly realistic grimaces. The event was highlighted by local coal enthusiasts donning “I Survived Coal Hollow” t-shirts and waving flags that read, “Who needs renewable energy when we have black gold?” Clearly, the years of environmental degradation and economic unrest have only fueled a zealous nostalgia for times when the air was thick with particulate matter and job security was as fleeting as the oxygen above it. Activists, predictably, had their usual comments, stating that celebrating a mine known for its extensively documented dangers was a clear sign of how disconnected from reality our leaders can be. “Coal is a 19th-century energy source! We should be looking toward the future!” shouted Greta Thunberg from a safe, non-coal-reliant location halfway across the globe. As the raucous festivities continued, the state-sponsored fireworks display—a not-so-subtle nod to the volatile atmosphere surrounding the mine—took center stage, obliterating any remaining traces of sensible discourse. Muffled explosions echoed in the background, which some might say were simply harmonizing with the din of dissent rising from the sidelines. Trump concluded the event with his signature flourish, vowing to “make coal shine again.” Whether that means literally polishing a lump of coal or just a figurative glittering façade over the mines’ myriad issues remains to be seen. But one thing is certain: the Coal Hollow Mine will continue to be a beacon of outdated energy practices, nestled comfortably in the heart of an America that refuses to look forward, leaving the rest of the world scratching its head and wondering how we got here. As the attendees returned to their cars, one unchained miner finally broke the silence, saying, “At least it’s not raining… yet.” And as the black smoke began to rise from the mine, one would have to wonder: Were they even supposed to care?