In a bold move reminiscent of a toddler given free rein in a candy store, President Trump has assembled what experts are calling the "Climate Cabinet"—a veritable dream team of individuals bound by their fervent disdain for anything remotely resembling environmental protection. This merry band of misfits proves that if there’s one thing more powerful than science, it’s a good old-fashioned belief in fossil fuels. First up is EPA head nominee Bill “Coal Is Life” McKinney, who once famously declared that the only thing that should be banned in America is sunscreen. McKinney has made it his mission to ensure that the skies stay as gray as an overcooked steak, insisting that air pollution is merely “nature's way of telling us we’re alive.” With a motto like that, it's no wonder he’s beloved among the coal lobbyists and those who have always dreamed of living in a post-apocalyptic landscape. In another corner, we have Interior Secretary Scott “More Drilling, Please” Onaway, a man who looks at parks and sees untapped oil reserves rather than breathtaking vistas. Onaway reportedly believes that natural wonders exist solely to be transformed into Instagram backgrounds for corporate retreats. He is also rumored to have said that the Grand Canyon is just Mother Nature’s way of saving space for parking lots. The pièce de résistance of Trump’s Climate Cabinet is Energy Secretary Watt “Can We Enhance This?” Adams, a proponent of, yes, you guessed it, “clean coal.” Adams has argued that “clean coal” is a renewable resource as real as unicorns, and insists that tapping into this mythical substance could single-handedly solve the nation’s energy crisis—if only we would all stop being so negative and start digging. In light of this exciting new lineup, Trump is taking his innovative climate plans to the next level. Announcing the aptly named “Operation Gas Guzzler,” the administration is promoting a return to the glory days of ‘70s muscle cars. “Why go electric when you can go loud?” Trump proclaimed at a recent rally, likening low emissions to low energy, while the crowd roared in agreement, undoubtedly chowing down on fossil fuel-themed cupcakes. Confirmed reports indicate that Trump is also working on a policy of “enhanced climate skepticism,” which encourages citizens to ignore any data or science that may suggest rising temperatures or ocean levels. “If we don’t measure it, it can’t be a problem,” a presidential aide chimed in, handing out stickers that read “Climate Change is Fake News.” In a further twist, global leaders are reportedly turning to Trump's Climate Cabinet as a template for their own strategic failures. Countries like Canada and Sweden have begun to take notes, asking, “How do we secure a future of climate catastrophe while also fostering thriving relations with the oil industry?” Experts predict a worldwide revival of the “If You Can’t Beat ‘Em, Join ‘Em” strategy for environmental destruction. Critics, of course, are crying out about impending doom, but do they really know what they’re talking about? After all, the truth is for losers. What matters most to this empowering team is that they stick together—and that they ensure the only thing rising is the stock price of Big Oil. In conclusion, as the world watches in awe and horror, President Trump’s Climate Cabinet has executed its mission with the precision of a wrecking ball. So grab your popcorn, tune in, and buckle up for what promises to be the most thrilling, albeit disastrous, episode in the series we call “Humanity’s Last Stand Against Science.”