In a bold and unprecedented move, former President Donald Trump announced his latest initiative, dubbed “Pardon Palooza,” promising to rain down pardons on those charged for their spirited participation in the Jan. 6 riot. "Why bother with due process when you can just throw a campaign rally?" he exclaimed to a raucous crowd at the Capital One Arena, which was filled with supporters more excited about potential get-out-of-jail-free cards than the actual democratic process. In a moment reminiscent of children throwing spaghetti at a wall to see what sticks, Trump declared, "I will pardon a lot of people. Not just anyone, but true patriots! Those who bravely stormed the Capitol to defend our great democracy from... well, whatever it is they were defending it against. Probably something really, really important!" While Trump refrained from disclosing specific numbers, insiders hinted at an impressive tally of pardons, with estimates ranging from “quite a few” to “a staggering number” that would make a casino slot machine jealous. “It’s going to be yuuuge, folks! This is going to be the biggest pardon blowout in history, and everyone’s going to love it,” he boasted, strategically waving his hands as if orchestrating a symphony of justice. As the audience cheered, Trump emphasized that these pardons would address the “real injustices” being served to those who had simply taken “a little detour” into the Capitol. “Listen, people make mistakes! Like, for instance, climbing walls and engaging in a little bit of light vandalism—just a little ‘artistic renovation,’ if you will!” he said, prompting applause from loyal supporters who clearly appreciated the artistic interpretation of insurrection. In a surprise twist, Trump revealed that his new administration would include an Office of Pardon Promotion, with full-time “Pardon Strategists” whose sole responsibility would be creating catchy jingles to convince Americans that “getting arrested is the new black.” He encouraged his followers to submit their own ideas for pardons, offering prizes for the best ones. “The more outrageous, the better! It’s a contest, folks!” he clarified, harkening back to simpler times when he ran a reality show. Critics, however, remained unconvinced, with one commentator quipping that this might just be an elaborate campaign tactic to distract from any pressing issues that, you know, require actual governance. “I thought we were supposed to have accountability in our democracy. But then again, I also thought wearing white after Labor Day was a fashion faux pas, and look where that got me!” he sighed. Meanwhile, the Justice Department issued a statement reminding the public that “pardon paloozas” do not come with refund policies or guarantees for successful outcomes. The statement concluded with a reminder that crime, unfortunately, still carries consequences—even if they can be temporarily alleviated by a former reality TV star with a penchant for theatrical declarations. As the night carried on, it became clear that the focus was less about justice and more about ensuring that a raucous good time could still be had at the expense of the legal system. And in a world where pardons and partisanship meld together like peanut butter and jelly, the stage is set for an electrifying election season. After all, who needs due process when you can have “Pardon Palooza”?