In a bold move to ensure that Americans never have to suffer an unfair advantage, President Donald Trump announced his new "Eye for an Eye" tariff policy, aimed at ensuring that foreign nations pay dearly for any perceived sleights against American exports. At a press conference flanked by a cadre of bewildered economists and a single tearful American farmer, Trump declared, "Why should foreigners have all the fun? If they want to charge us more, we’ll hit them right back where it hurts – their wallets." Under this revolutionary plan, tariffs will be custom-tailored to each country, an approach likened to the bespoke suits of Wall Street brokers, but with much more fabric choices. For example, if France decides to slap a 30% tax on American cheese, then all French wines imported to the U.S. would be subjected to a similar 30% tariff. The same goes for Belgian chocolate, Italian pasta, and anything else that makes our taste buds tingle with jealousy. While details of the specific tariffs remain under wraps, White House officials assured the public that there would be no shortage of misguided animosity towards countries perceived to be engaging in unfair trade practices. “For every time a country raises its tariffs on American goods, we will respond in kind. It’s as simple as hit back harder,” said one official, although the exact logistics of creating a ‘tariff counterattack’ remained unclear. Critics were quick to highlight the potential ramifications of such a policy, particularly as local businesses brace for inflated prices and supply chain disruptions. Nevertheless, Trump remained resolute in his commitment to an eye for an eye. “If they charge us more for our goods, then it’s basic math: we charge them more for their goods. It’s common sense,” he asserted, ignoring shouts from economists referencing concepts like global trade imbalances and economic retaliation. The initiative has garnered wild support from a newly formed group called the "Reciprocal Tariff Enthusiasts," who sport hats declaring, “Make Tariffs Great Again.” Their spokesperson proclaimed, “We’re tired of feeling like we’re taken advantage of! It’s time we make them feel the pain we’ve been enduring!” when asked how they planned to ride the waves of economic fallout that might ensue. In an unexpected twist, the president mentioned that any economic growth resulting from the tariffs might lead to a new slogan: “When the Going Gets Tough, Tariff Hard.” This led to speculation about potential 2024 campaign plans, drawing gasps from attendees and a chorus of laughter from economists. As the world holds its breath waiting for the full implementation of the "Eye for an Eye" tariff policy, citizens are left to ponder the coming era of trade wars shaped by vengeance rather than reason. In the meantime, it seems America is poised to enjoy an extra layer of complex cheese on their imported products, a small price to pay for what many are calling a return to good, old-fashioned tit-for-tat trade relationships.