In a bold move reminiscent of rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic, President-elect Donald Trump has appointed Kevin Hassett, the man who once wrote a book about how to assess sports franchises, as the new Chief Economic Lifeguard. Hassett’s new role at the helm of the National Economic Council places him front and center in discussions that are likely to be just as buoyant as a brick in water, covering everything from trade deals to tax codes. At a recent press briefing, Hassett confidently assured reporters, “I’m here to make waves, albeit in a good way. Think of me as the lifeguard keeping a watchful eye on the nation’s economic pool—sunscreen in one hand, a tax break in the other.” The White House hasn’t confirmed whether beach balls will make an appearance in upcoming policy sessions, but sources say that slide rules and flotation devices are on the agenda. As Trump rounds out his economic team, the nation waits with bated breath for the last key appointment—a U.S. Trade Representative who won't just talk a big game but can toss around business jargon the way a lifeguard tosses a floatation ring. Rumors suggest that Trump is considering several candidates, including a former contestant from "Survivor" who is said to have a knack for negotiation and a flair for the dramatic. The political and economic seas are choppy, and while some critics argue that Hassett's qualifications include making predictions about the economy that are about as reliable as a fortune cookie, he remains optimistic. “With the right policies, I believe we can keep this ship afloat and maybe even turn it into a luxury cruise liner,” he declared, though whether he was talking about the actual economy or his underwater basket weaving project remains unclear. Meanwhile, Trump has declared that the new approach will be “America first” and “everything else second,” prompting many to wonder if that includes the economic stability of the nation or just the speed at which he can get his golf clubs to the next tee. As the nation braces for waves of change, the only question left is whether Hassett’s life-saving techniques will involve CPR on the economy or simply adjusting the budgetary swim goggles in anticipation of a few rough financial currents ahead. All eyes are on the White House, where nothing is certain, except that everyone still prefers to stay afloat, at least for now.