In a bold move reminiscent of a game show, Donald Trump has decided to take “judge roulette” to a whole new level by petitioning to move his New York state criminal case to federal court. The former president, often referred to as the “king of creative venues,” argues that being judged in Manhattan is just too mainstream when he could be rolling the dice in a federal courtroom instead. “Why be judged by New York, with its bagels and tall buildings, when I could potentially be judged by a jury of my peers from anywhere across this great nation?” Trump declared in a statement that will surely be remembered as the highlight of his burgeoning stand-up comedy career. The petition, filed on Thursday, insists that while the federal courts are deciding whether Trump’s legal shenanigans deserve a bigger stage, the former reality TV star cannot be sentenced for his 34 counts of falsifying business records. “This is all about my right to a fair hearing in the most fabulous court possible,” he added, possibly while scrolling through reviews of the best bail bondsmen in the country. “I believe in a justice system where people can pick and choose their judges like they pick an avocado at Whole Foods,” Trump continued, with ill-concealed enthusiasm. Legal experts are puzzled by the notion of “judge roulette” as a strategy but are intrigued at the possibility of a courtroom environment that offers complimentary snacks and a live band. The petition describes ongoing harms to Trump’s reputation while highlighting the “unaddressed harm” inflicted upon his image, as if being the former president with a devoted fanbase isn’t enough of a cushion. “You can’t just accuse me of being a criminal and expect me to stand there like a common defendant! I want a venue with a view—I want federal court!” Meanwhile, Trump’s supporters are eagerly anticipating the outcome of the petition, wondering if this latest twist in the ongoing saga of his legal battles could lead to an entirely new legal precedent: the right to venue shop based on the popularity of nearby deli sandwiches. As arguments unfold, legal analysts are closely watching to see if this unorthodox maneuvering will pay off, or if it will simply add another colorful chapter to the already overflowing book of Trump legal lore. Whatever the case, one thing is for sure: Judge Roulette is the new game in town, and the stakes have never been higher.