In a shocking turn of events, former President Donald Trump has decided to take multiple bold steps regarding the Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA), dismissing its Acting Chief like a spoiled child discarding a toy. Sources close to the Oval Office have revealed that Trump’s decision came after staffing disputes over whether FEMA should provide disaster relief or simply offer the best deals on bulk toilet paper during natural disasters—a clear division of priorities in the Trump administration. The departure of FEMA's Acting Chief, who reportedly expended countless hours trying to explain the difference between hurricanes and sprinkles of rain to Trump, marks what some are calling an end to FEMA being merely 'functional' and a leap toward making it 'fabulously entertaining.’ Rumors have surfaced that the agency may pivot to providing “survival lifestyle experiences” components in spectacular fashion, including live-streamed competitions to determine who can build the best “flood-proof” social media brand. Witnesses spotted Trump pondering new names for FEMA, including “The Formerly Effective Management Agency” and “Fantasy Emergency Management Adventures.” Trump was allegedly overheard contemplating a reality show called “Survivor: FEMA Edition,” featuring disaster scenarios where contestants must figure out how to distribute bottled water without government oversight and while wearing high-end designer survival gear. In a personal statement to an eager country, Trump declared, “It is time to drain the swamp of uselessness! FEMA was supposed to help people, but I think it’s more important to entertain them while they wait for floodwaters to recede. Who knew hurricanes could be so boring?” As the nation braces for the next inevitable disaster, citizens can expect pop-ups featuring inflatable life jackets, branded disaster kits, and perhaps a new anthem—“Every Storm Has a Silver Lining! (Especially Mine!)” Experts are concerned that the abrupt leadership change may lead to chaos. “We’re not really sure how to manage emergencies without a credible leader,” stated a weather forecaster, as he offered to trade information on storm patterns for a ticket to Trump’s next rally. In response to the public outcry regarding the future of FEMA, Trump’s spokesperson remarked, “Just because we’re pivoting to entertainment doesn’t mean we’re forgetting the fundamental mission. Donald will still tell people to stay safe—via Twitter, of course—while he flashes his signature thumbs-up.” As this satirical saga unfolds, one thing is abundantly clear: fixing the nation’s emergency response while keeping an eye on entertainment value has never looked so optimistic—or absurdly grim. With leadership at FEMA now a revolving door, one can only hope that when the next disaster strikes, our nation's fate will be in the hands of slightly more competent individuals than those tasked with folding the napkins at the next extravagant presidential dinner.