In a stunning turn of events, former President Donald Trump has unveiled what he calls the “Ultimate Trade Deal,” promising to keep tariffs on US goods as low as his approval ratings—almost non-existent. Speaking to a crowd of eager business moguls in Doha, Trump shocked everyone by declaring, “I’ve told Tim Cook to keep India a ‘No Building Zone.’ Let’s just say it’s the perfect spot for all the Apple drones to hang out.” During his enthralling speech, Trump reminisced about the glory days of trade when goods crossed borders like a game of leapfrog. “Remember when trade was fun?” he chuckled. “Now it’s all numbers and graphs. Who needs that when you can just tell companies not to build in certain countries?” Sources say Trump’s comments about Apple might stem from a fierce October-spent watching reruns of “Home Alone” while sipping on his favorite Diet Coke. According to insiders, he felt a sudden urge to protect "the American way of doing things," which involves sending all manufacturing jobs to locations more convenient… like an island paradise where he doesn’t have to deal with pesky workers' rights. “Building things is overrated,” Trump allegedly told Cook, perhaps mistaking India for a massive free mail-order gift card. “Why invest there when you can invest here? Just imagine a world where Apple only relies on the ingenuity of Ohio instead of India! It’s all about making America great again, one iPhone at a time.” When questioned about how such a strategy would affect global supply chains, Trump simply waved his hands, dismissing economists as “losers who don’t know the magic of the trade deal.” He further elaborated, “It’ll all just work out. Trust me. If it doesn’t, I’ll hold a rally instead, and everyone will cheer.” Meanwhile, the Indian commerce ministry has been conspicuously silent in the wake of Trump’s proclamation. Experts believe they are busy reassembling their bewildered responses. When contacted, a spokesperson mentioned, “We were just about to build a new stadium in India for iPhone production, but we’ll just convert it to a new cricket stadium instead.” As news outlets eagerly await more details on this supposedly monumental trade pact—right after the completion of Trump's golf course in Qatar—conversations have begun among U.S. farmers whose goods might go untariffed. “To be honest, I would take a potato over a tariff any day,” said one farmer, “especially a potato I can build memories with.” As the world waits with bated breath, global markets buckle in a volatile dance between confusion and amusement, while Trump continues to reign as the undisputed king of unconventional trade negotiations.