In a bold move that some are calling a triumph for traditional values and others are simply calling a Tuesday, President Donald Trump has unleashed his latest executive order: the "No Men in Women's Sports" initiative. This groundbreaking decree promises to block transgender athletes from participating in women’s sports, effectively ensuring that girls can continue to compete without the intimidating presence of, well, anyone who doesn't meet their definition of a "real woman." Trump signed the executive order on National Girls and Women in Sports Day, a day usually reserved for celebrating the countless achievements of women in athletics. However, this year, it looks like the celebration has been slightly overshadowed by the signature of a man who believes that "women's sports" should really mean "sports for people who look just like me." Jennifer Sey, a former national champion gymnast and CEO of XX-XY Athletics, has thrown her support behind Trump’s decision, declaring it a monumental step towards preserving the integrity of women’s sports. Sey, who likely had a childhood filled with dreams of Olympic glory, has now pivoted her career to ensure that no one with a birth certificate reading "male" ever invades her memories of winning gold medals. “Who needs equality when you have a pen?” Sey quipped, while polishing her collection of participation trophies that clearly denote who was allowed to compete. “This is just common sense; we wouldn’t want biological girls competing against anyone who might have a competitive advantage due to different hormones or, you know, just being genetically stronger.” Critics have labeled the executive order as regressive, but the administration insists that it merely prioritizes what they term "biological reality." "It’s simple science,” explained a White House spokesperson. “We can’t have athletes competing based solely on how they feel; after all, there are rules for everything, including who can enter the bathroom.” When asked about the implications of this order for transgender athletes, the spokesperson responded with, “This isn’t about them; it’s about saving women’s sports for the women who have always been there— you know, the kind who were forced to use skincare products before they even learned how to catch a ball.” In a stunning act of irony, the signing of the executive order coincided with a celebration for women’s empowerment, leaving many to wonder whether these two events would end up as a sitcom-worthy plot twist in a future episode of “The Office.” In the midst of this swirling debate, girls across the nation are eagerly anticipating the new roster of sports events, which will now be entirely devoid of any participants deemed too "manly" or “confusing.” Undoubtedly, future competitors will have to engage in rigorous screenings that might make a TSA checkpoint look like a kindergarten art class. As everyone watches to see how this will unfold, one thing is clear: Trump may not be the only one signing executive orders these days, as former athletes and current politicians alike scramble to back the growing movement to keep women’s sports, well, just as they envision them—completely free of any individuals who might complicate the classic ‘pink collar’ aesthetic.