In a shocking turn of events, former President Donald Trump has declared a surprising new policy for his potential 2024 administration: "No more stale GOP trading cards." In a candid social media post that experts unanimously agree may have been dictated to a small dog, Trump announced that ex-Ambassador Nikki Haley and former Secretary of State Mike Pompeo will not be receiving invitations for a "White House reunion." "Let’s face it, folks, I’m not running a nostalgia tour," Trump tweeted, accompanied by a photo of himself holding up a very confusing collection of baseball cards featuring never-before-seen images of Richard Nixon and Ronald Reagan playing hopscotch. "These people had their chance. I’m looking for fresh faces, maybe some TikTok stars or YouTube influencers who can really drive the engagement up!" This announcement shocked political pundits, who had categorized both Haley and Pompeo as solid contenders for any future Trump administration. Sources report that Pompeo was ready to tout his diplomatic successes in meetings with foreign leaders, but Trump was less than impressed. "Big Mike," as Trump affectionately referred to him, was reportedly working on a Spanx endorsement deal but has now been left scrambling to return to the world of robustly tweeting from the sidelines. Nikki Haley, who had reportedly been prepping her “Welcome Back” party playlist, was similarly blindsided. Haley has since announced that she will begin an ambitious new campaign of her own, titled "Haley 2024: The Comeback Tour," which will focus on winning back those voters who just love her for her ability to gracefully dodge political questions. "Look, if I wanted stale, I’d visit my grandmother’s basement," Trump continued in a subsequent post, explaining his reasoning. "These two are old news—kind of like those VHS tapes of 'The Apprentice' that no one wants anymore." In response to this shocking rejection, both Haley and Pompeo are reportedly considering forming their own coalition of “RINOs” (Republicans In Name Only) who can still smile politely at Trump supporters while secretly playing bridge together on the weekends. Speculation is now swirling about who might take their place in the Trump 2024 cabinet of curiosities. Rumors suggest Trump is considering inviting in influencers famous for making "anti-woke" reaction videos, some farm animals for more relatable campaigning, and perhaps even a celebrity chef to create "Trump-branded cuisine" known as "Not-So-Make-It Great Again." As the political drama continues to unfold, one thing remains clear: in Trump’s world, only the freshest of faces will do, and if you're not Insta-famous, you might as well be a VHS tape in Grandma’s basement.