In a shocking turn of events, President-elect Donald Trump has appointed noted environmental activist and vaccine skeptic Robert F. Kennedy Jr. as the Secretary of Health and Human Services, sending ripples through both the political and dietary world. Sources within the transition team reveal that Kennedy's first order of business will be to implement a nationwide “Organic Juice Initiative,” which will mandate that all Americans consume at least one pint of organic juice daily or face hefty fines. “Too long have Americans lived under the oppressive thumb of sugary sodas and tasteless pharmaceuticals,” Trump declared at a press conference, waving a kale smoothie as if it were the Constitution. “It’s time to stop listening to Big Pharma and start blending our path to wellness!” Industry insiders are both baffled and amused by the appointment. “Kennedy’s plan to outlaw all foods that sound even remotely like drugs is certainly unprecedented,” noted a bewildered food lobbyist. “If you can’t pronounce it or it has syllables like ‘pharma’, it’s on the chopping block! Goodbye, Tylenol. Hello, turmeric tea!” Rumors are swirling that Kennedy will also seek to replace the FDA with a new agency that will focus solely on approving foods based on how many Instagram likes they receive. “If a dish looks good on social media, it’s good for you!” Kennedy reportedly stated in a closed-door meeting. “And we’ll hire influencers to be ‘health ambassadors’ – they’re way more credible than scientists, right?” Meanwhile, grocery stores across the nation are scrambling to prepare for the imminent ban on ultra-processed foods, along with items that even “try” to mimic pharmaceuticals. The aisles are quickly filling up with artisanal granola and gluten-free kale chips. “We’re just going to have to start renaming everything,” admitted one store manager. “Aspirin? More like ‘Earth’s Healing Crystal’ – I bet it sells like hotcakes!” As this bizarre new chapter of health policy unfolds, some Americans are expressing concern. “I just want my Advil! I don’t care if it’s made from organic, free-range willow bark – I need it! What is this, the Stone Age?” lamented one frustrated shopper holding a bottle of green juice. In response to growing backlash, the Trump administration has said it will hold nationwide “Juice Jamboree” events to promote the initiative, complete with celebrity endorsements and raw beet chugging contests. “You think this is a joke?” Trump added with a smirk. “Juicing is the future—believe me!” As Robert F. Kennedy Jr. prepares to take the reins of HHS, many are left wondering if this is all simply the latest creation of a surreal reality show—or if America is really ready for a mandatory diet based on organic principles and anti-pharmaceutical fervor. Either way, one thing is for sure: the food revolution is upon us, and it’s juicy!