In a groundbreaking event that has the environmentalists scratching their heads and corporate lobbyists rubbing their hands in glee, the Tribal Energy Summit convened this week to discuss a revolutionary path to prosperity: mining carbon credits and critical minerals while enjoying some heartfelt tea and philosophical debates about sovereignty. Delegates from various tribal nations gathered in a plush conference center, complete with complimentary organic vegan snacks sourced from a local farm—never mind that this same farm was recently sold to a multinational corporation eyeing the mineral-rich land nearby. The mood was upbeat, with attendees pondering the wonderful irony of balancing ecological responsibility with the unquenchable thirst for profit. “Why protect nature when you can tokenize it?” exclaimed one passionate speaker, adorned head to toe in ethically sourced beads while exhibiting a PowerPoint full of graphs that had numbers going up and profit margins increasing. “We have the chance to be the heroes of our own stories, harvesting energy and carbon credits while extracting those good ol' critical minerals the world desperately needs. What could possibly go wrong?” As discussions fell into the rhythm of inspired idealism mixed with fiscal optimism, attendees formed committees dedicated to finding ways to turn the extraction of resources into a festive, community-driven activity, complete with traditional dances and perhaps even a TikTok challenge. “Mining has never been so wholesome!” proclaimed another speaker, who had, conveniently, just signed a sponsorship deal with a well-known mineral conglomerate. In a surprise twist, a panel dedicated to the ethical implications of mining was promptly overhauled when it turned out every proposed speaker had received lucrative “consulting” offers from the very companies they were supposed to critique. “We’re not here to criticize,” one panellist rebranded himself, adjusting his tailored blazer. “We’re here to create opportunities. Opportunities for us, of course.” The attendees weren’t shy about publicizing their newfound roles as the harbingers of change, with t-shirts being sold for only $49.99 that proclaimed, “Sovereignty is Profitable!” A subtle reminder that major companies didn’t get into business betting on the long-term well-being of the Earth, but rather on quick cash-flows cloaked in positive branding. Outside, youth activists picketed with signs declaring their concerns about environmental degradation and the hypocrisy of the summit, but their shouts faded into the footnotes of a gleaming promotional reel that spotlighted tribal success stories, complete with glittering drone footage of freshly blighted landscapes and ecologically compromised zones that once thrived. As the summit closed, delegates left feeling empowered, clutching their paper-thin documents proudly emblazoned with tribally branded carbon credit certificates. The world was theirs to conquer, one critical mineral at a time. In the glorious mix of self-determination and corporate profiteering, who wouldn't want to cash in on a sustainable future as they glossed over the inconvenient questions of legacy and ecological health? “After all,” a tribal leader noted while packing up a “best practices” binder filled with corporate contracts, “what's sovereignty if you don’t have anything to sell?”