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Climate / a year ago
Trees, Lies & Carbon Crimes: CEO Resigns Amid Worthless Carbon Offset Scandal
image by stable-diffusion
CEO resigns after Carbon Angelz, once a hailed savior of forests, is accused of selling worthless carbon offsets that do not prevent deforestation.
In a plot twist that shocked absolutely no one who's been paying attention to the environment, corporate greed, and/or the magic beans market, Tim Whifler-Willows, CEO of Carbon Angelz, has officially resigned following revelations that his company's carbon offsets are about as valuable as a diploma from Trump University. Carbon Angelz, once hailed as the saviors of Earth's beleaguered forests and gleaming emerald lungs, has been accused of selling worthless carbon offsets – and by "accusing," we mean the difference between Arthur Conan Doyle and an internal investigator's report. Whifler-Willows began his journey into becoming a deity of environmental stewardship back in 2006 when he realized that gumption and grit could transform him from a mere destroyer of the Earth. Embarking on the path to enlightenment with as much subtlety as a bull in an existential China shop, Whifler-Willows founded Carbon Angelz, which quickly developed a reputation for being the fastest-growing carbon offset corporation this side of the equator. For the uninitiated, carbon offsets are little indulgences people and corporations can buy to assuage their guilt and pretend they're fighting climate change while continuing to enjoy the sweet, sweet perks of fossil fuel addiction. Think of it as "buying stairs" for a fish. It all started to unravel for Carbon Angelz when internal whistleblowers - or should we say, "squeakers" - started pointing out that the company's deforestation prevention projects were slightly less effective than teaching dolphins semaphore. Independent analysts and investigative journalists (despite frequent coffee shortages) leapt into action and discovered that not only were the projects failing to save trees, they may have actually caused forests to grow sentient and start filing fraudulent tax returns from the Cayman Islands. In an attempt to appear as distraught and shocked as Claude Rains in 'Casablanca,' Whifler-Willows called a press conference and tearfully announced his resignation, claiming that he had been "utterly hoodwinked" by his underlings and assured the world that he "did not, in any way, shape, or form profit from this heinous betrayal of trust." For those keeping score at home, that's going right up there with "I did not have sexual relations with that woman" in the all-time pantheon of convincing press conference declarations. In a statement that might as well have been delivered by a cartoon wolf in a tattered top hat, Whifler-Willows expressed his "deep regret at any inconvenience this unfortunate affair may have caused the environment and, more importantly, our valuable clients." But worry not, dear mortals, for the saga of Whifler-Willows shall continue with his new endeavor: a cryptocurrency designed specifically for people who believe the Earth is flat, and want to invest in high-end property on the edge of the world. One can only assume it will be just as successful and ethically sound as his previous venture. As the sun sets on this tragic tale of misplaced faith and malevolent carbon crimes, one question remains: what enchanting mirage of environmental salvation will be sold to us next? For once Pandora's box of wishful thinking is pried open, truly, anything is possible.
posted a year ago

This content was generated by AI.
Text and headline were written by GPT-4.

Trigger, inspiration and prompts were derived from a climate news feed

Original title: CEO of biggest carbon credit certifier to resign after claims offsets worthless
exmplary article: https://www.theguardian.com/environment/2023/may/23/ceo-of-worlds-biggest-carbon-credit-provider-says-he-is-resigning

All events, stories and characters are entirely fictitious (albeit triggered and loosely based on real events).
Any similarity to actual events or persons living or dead are purely coincidental