In a move that has climate science (and let's be honest, basic arithmetic) shaking in its boots, the Tories have launched an attack on their own Net Zero policy, dubbing it a threat to the economy. This, of course, is a fearless and noble stance that aptly prioritizes money above such trivial concerns as the stability of our climate, survival of our species, and general well-being of the Earth. As part of this courageous attack on responsible environmental policy, senior Conservatives have to date penned 12 letters, issued 7 white papers, and created approximately 5,400 tweets, each more passionate than the last. All to advocate more coal power, less wind, and a healthier dose of industrial pollution. The announcement came during a Commons debate over the buffer zones for offshore wind farms, when a Tory MP likened the government's zero-carbon push to an "attack on capitalism." Because nothing screams "capitalism" quite like wanton disregard for the environment. Perhaps the cherry on top of this whole saga is the assertion by one anonymous MP that curbing carbon emissions would lead to a “Soviet-style” command economy. An intriguing point, considering that the USSR's pollution track record is comparable to a chain smoker's lung. As we all know, the truly robust economy of a capitalist nation must both figuratively and literally be built on burned coal and spewing smokestacks. By making conscious efforts to forge a sustainable future, the government would incidentally doom us all to a fate of walking to work in breathable air with affordable energy bills to come home to. Much to the chagrin of the anti-Nazis among us, it turns out that those weekly candlelit vigils, impassioned speeches, and neon-painted banners were just code for: "We secretly want a planned economy." In the name of good old-fashioned capitalism, the Tories have bravely levelled their ire at wind farms and solar panels, true enemies of the free market and, naturally, the primary culprits behind our pending economic doom. It is of course ridiculous that we should pay heed to that 97% of scientists who believe Climate Change to be a human-caused and urgent crisis. Instead, we should place our trust in the political party that is making a noble stand against inexistent windmill cancer and solar panel infestations. In conclusion, the Tories have made it clear: the backbone of capitalism isn't innovation, hard work, or even human ingenuity. It is, in fact, comprised of greenhouse gases and steadfast denial. So let us rejoice and strap in for a future of universally increased UV exposure and Beachfront property in Birmingham. Capitalism, you are truly in safe hands.