In a stunning display of community service, the Evergreen City Police Department has embarked on a touching initiative called "Blankets for the Breach," an effort to cover the homeless population with warm blankets while maintaining their renowned icy detachment from the root causes of homelessness. The project aims to provide immediate comfort while simultaneously ignoring the systemic issues that render it necessary. At a press conference held on the steps of City Hall, Police Chief Cornelia Coldhart passionately declared, “Today, we’re making a difference, one blanket at a time. What better way to address the crisis than by distributing blankets to those who have been forced to make the streets their beds? It’s a tangible solution! Just look at these cozy blankets.” The officers proceeded to display a variety of colorful blankets, ready to wrap the city's homeless like toasty burritos, all while ensuring their emotional warmth was kept at a safe distance. The initiative reportedly took months of preparation, during which police officers underwent extensive training in blanket distribution techniques, including tossing the fabric and the always-important ‘stay out of the way’ strategy for interacting with the homeless. Officers were instructed to maintain their usual posture of stoicism, creating an enjoyable juxtaposition as they cheerfully handed out the blankets with the same enthusiasm one might reserve for handing out fliers for a pizza shop on the corner. One of the officers, who requested anonymity to keep the focus on the blankets, admitted off the record, “We know this doesn’t solve the problem, but at least it covers them up for a little while. If it’s cold enough, they might even use them to keep quiet. It’s a win-win!” The event has sparked conversation among residents, some of whom expressed their refusal to maintain eye contact with homeless individuals unless they were wearing the provided blankets. “It’s like a fashion show for our finest citizens,” said local resident Molly Macabre, while peeking outside her window. “If they’re cozy, they’re less of an eyesore. I mean, who wants to see someone freezing when they could witness a blanket-wrapped winter wonderland?” Many of the recipients expressed conflicting feelings about the initiative. Ernest, who has been living on the streets for nearly six months, remarked, “It’s nice to have a warm blanket, but it doesn’t help when I’m hungry or when the police show up to tell me to move along. I can’t eat a blanket.” His observation went largely ignored as officers continued to roll out the blanket bonanza. As the sun began to set behind a wall of designer condos going up downtown, the officers wrapped up their event by ensuring that leftover blankets were shoved into the back of a squad car marked with the proud logo of “To Serve and Protect.” One officer commented, “The blankets will stay nice and cozy in here until we need them again. Who knows? Maybe next winter will be just as cold!” Despite mixed reviews from the community and the hollow gratitude of the blanket recipients, the Evergreen Police Department remains undeterred. Their hope is that the sight of colorful blankets will be enough to keep concerned citizens from asking too many questions about what’s really being done to tackle homelessness, such as addressing access to mental health services, affordable housing, or living wages. In a world that often feels like one long, cold night for many, perhaps a blanket is all we need to warm the frostbitten heart of society. After all, who needs solutions when you can just serve and protect… and cover up?