In a shocking turn of events that has left fans both heartbroken and somewhat confused, Tito Jackson, the last surviving member of the Jackson 5 and an unyielding force in the music industry, has officially declared he is "permanently taking a break from the stage." This announcement comes mere days after a performance in Surrey that critics have hailed as "slightly less than legendary." Sources close to Tito confirmed he met an "unfortunate situation" with his favorite snack while indulging in a post-show meal that included three servings of fried chicken, a mystery casserole, and an entire cake designed to look like himself. Witnesses report that as Tito celebrated his latest performance with food designed for the gods, he fell into what can only be described as a "food coma," leading to profound philosophical questioning about the meaning of life, music, and why anyone would ever need to eat that much at one time. “It was either going to be the heart attack or jumping onto a second tour with the cast of Cats,” said Tito before being whisked away for his “unofficial retirement party,” which, it turns out, is more of an elaborate mystery dinner without any actual mystery but plenty of cake. The Jacksons were initially excited about their upcoming tour dates in Atlantic City and Cincinnati, confidently declaring they were “just getting started.” But those plans have now been dramatically thrust to the back burner, with Tito now focusing on “self-care alternate careers” such as professional couch surfing and critiquing reality television shows. Reportedly, Tito is currently penning a memoir titled "I am Tito: An Analysis of Food, Fame, and Friends Who Prefer to Sing Live," which is expected to drop whenever he feels like it (a rough estimate being between the late 2030s and "someday"). Relatives of Tito have mentioned that the late-night snack incident has led to numerous family meetings that mostly involve figuring out how to rehearse without the man whose tambourine skills are legendary… if they could find him. Yet, not all is lost; in true Jackson style, the family plans to replace him on future tours with a life-sized cardboard cutout that can also pass as rhythmically challenged backup dancer. In a heartwarming twist, fans have created a go-fund-me campaign dubbed “Tito’s Takeout Fund” to help support his lifestyle as he embraces couch potatohood. Tito has since commented saying “Maybe I’ll just stick to singing in the shower. It’s a lot less stressful, and the audience is always attracted to my voice.” The world may have lost a musical icon, but fear not, for Tito Jackson’s spirit lives on in every heart-shaped pizza and oversized slice of wedding cake.