In a move that has left environmentalists scratching their heads and polluters throwing a spontaneous confetti party, Texas has officially dissolved its air pollution watchdog agency, affectionately dubbed "The Great Air Pollution Watchdog." The decision comes after years of rigorous protection against unchecked emissions, prompting Governor Clean Air to announce, "Why monitor what we can ignore?" The watchdog agency, known for its uncanny ability to point out when people were breathing in actual smog instead of ‘natural Texas charm,’ will now be replaced by a state-of-the-art “smog meter”—a wooden stick with a sign reading “Just Breathe Deep!” Hanging loosely from the sign will be an air quality index on the honor system, where folks can self-assess their surroundings based on how red their eyes are and how much coughing they’re doing. Critics have questioned the wisdom of removing vital pollution oversight, but Governor Clean Air assured them that the change aligns perfectly with his administration’s commitment to “free air” — free from all that pesky regulation. “No one likes a snoopy agency breathing down their neck, right?” he quipped, while puffing on an aromatic cigar in the middle of a dust storm. In lieu of the watchdog's departure, the Texas government will now entrust air quality assessments to an independent committee of local barbecue enthusiasts. These seasoned grill masters are well-versed in smoke and vapor—especially the hickory kind—but lack any qualifications in environmental science, leading many to speculate that brisket may now be the leading cause of “acceptable smog.” The governor’s office announced plans for the “Texas Air Freedom Festival,” where citizens can gather annually to celebrate “Natural Pollution Day.” Attendees are encouraged to contribute their own emissions, from burning trash to letting off fireworks, as a way to truly embrace the state’s commitment to air quality—or lack thereof. Texans are elated, celebrating the liberation from “liberal alarmism” and citing an invigorated economy fueled by the newfound freedom to pump out whatever fumes they desire. Local business owners are already rolling out new slogans like “Why Regulate When You Can Celebrate?” and “Pollution is the New Freedom!” as they prepare to cash in on the opulent future of unrestricted emissions. As poachers of the skies fill the air with newer forms of pollution—adorned with the sweet fragrance of capitalism—the future looks bright, albeit hazy. So, to all those who are concerned about the great disappearance of the air pollution watchdog: worry not! In Texas, the air is not only free; it’s a party waiting to happen!