In a surprising turn of events that has left both residents and armadillos scratching their heads, Texas Governor Laredo C. Longhorn announced today that the Lone Star State would be officially declaring "conventional military force" on all things irritatingly small. In a press conference held at the local BBQ joint, adorned with banners that read "Go Big or Go Home," Governor Longhorn proclaimed, “We ain't messin' around anymore. Everything's bigger in Texas, so we’re taking a stand against anything that's just too darn tiny!" Included in the list of targeted small things are the following: annoying insects, minuscule poodles, and—most shockingly—the particularly petite “pocket-sized” versions of Texas’ famed BBQ sauces. “Have you seen those tiny bottles? It’s like someone took the deliciousness of our state and put it in a thimble!” he exclaimed, shaking his fist dramatically while clutching a plate of brisket. Critics have questioned the practicality of deploying the Texas National Guard against everything from the dreaded “teeny tiniest” ants to pint-sized chihuahuas, but Governor Longhorn has made it clear that this battle is about more than just size. “It’s about pride! We can’t let these tiny invaders soil our reputation! If we must send in tanks to enforce a size limit on bicycles in Austin, so be it!” In a move emblematic of Texas’s love for all things excessive, plans have already been laid out for a new military initiative: the Armadillo Rodeo Task Force. This elite squad will train and deploy the state’s famed armadillos, known for their fighting spirit and their tenacious ability to roll up into tiny balls when threatened. Festivities will include rodeo games, armadillo obstacle courses, and ultimately, the highly anticipated final showdown between armadillos and their flimsy foes—the skateboard-commuting hipsters of Austin. At a recent pre-rodeo meeting, Armadillo General R. P. Wild was quoted as saying, “We’re ready to take down all things small and pesky. Nobody should have to feel self-conscious using a regular-sized BBQ bottle while their friends squeeze out sauces from their thumb-sized packages. This is Texas! We’ll tackle this crisis head-on.” Meanwhile, the Texas Armadillo Association is in an uproar, claiming that the initiative mangles the very essence of armadillo culture, which they say is based on living life laid-back and without the pressure of being pulled into military engagements. “We’re not soldiers; we’re burrowers! Just let us dig in peace!” exclaimed their spokesperson, who insisted his name be omitted for the sake of anonymity, citing an unusual fear of oversized boots. As Texans prepare for a more oversized future, the governor is encouraging everyone to join in the bigger-is-better movement. Special discounts will be offered to anyone who brings oversized utensils to restaurants—to the point where diners must now complete an application form to gain access to the “Mega-Munching Spoon.” In a state with the motto “Don’t Mess with Texas,” it seems they’ve got their sights set higher than ever before—perhaps directly on the metaphorical stars. So as the calls for larger armadillo rodeos grow louder, one can only wonder what’s next for our beloved Texas: a statewide ban on all miniatures? Perhaps a “Texas-Sized” measure that requires all citizens to measure their height in yards rather than inches? If one thing’s for sure, you’ll be hearing—nay, SEEING—about it all soon enough, on a stage that's bigger than life itself.