In a bold initiative aimed at showcasing the expansive educational opportunities available in the Lone Star State, Texas has officially launched its “Texas College Tour: Where Dreams Go Big and Tuition Goes Home!” Tour, a cheerful romp through the state’s myriad institutions of higher learning. As the tour bus winds through the sprawling campuses, students and parents are treated to a dizzying array of degree options, from the critically essential “Bovine Management” to the highly competitive “Extreme Rodeo Physics.” With an unyielding commitment to higher education, Texas colleges are encouraging students to embrace their academic potential—while also promoting the time-honored tradition of spending years accumulating debt in exchange for a piece of paper that may or may not correlate with future employment opportunities. “We want students to dream big while they’re drowning in student loans,” said Chancellor Lasso McTex. “Why settle for a small dream when you can rack up a mountain of debt?” Onboard the tour, students are exposed to recruiting presentations filled with heartwarming success stories of graduates who have found jobs—albeit in unrelated fields. “I studied Philosophy at Texas State and now I’m a professional barista!” beamed one exuberant alumnus. “I maintain a sparkling dialogue with the coffee, which is a vital skill in today’s job market!” As the tour progresses, prospective students are encouraged to experience what it truly means to be a part of the Texas College System. This includes mandatory photo ops with costumed mascots representing various degrees, like the "Dancing Debt Demon" and "Dr. Loan Shark." Attendees are also invited to participate in a rousing game of “Guess That Salary,” which offers a thrilling glimpse into post-graduation realities. Spoiler alert: It usually hovers around “Not Enough.” The motto of the tour, “Where Dreams Go Big and Tuition Goes Home!” resonates powerfully amidst the backdrop of soaring tuition fees—\"Don’t worry! You’ll understand what you’re paying for once you receive your degree and realize that ‘understanding’ isn’t required in the real world.\" A panel discussion titled “Budgeting 101: How to Live on Ramen Noodles for Four Years” has been added in response to student feedback about the unrealistic expectations set by promising marketing materials. Famed local chef and Texas local, Rita Q. Funnybones, made a surprise appearance to whip up some “financially accessible” meal ideas for students on a budget. Demos included such quick-fix masterpieces as ‘Udon Noodles with a Side of Regret’ and ‘Barely There Beans on Toast,’ accompanied by financial advice from a specialized guest speaker, Gary Wrecked-Credits, a professional account manager whose mantra, “Just put it on a credit card! What could go wrong?” has gained a cult following. In a last-minute twist to the event, attendees were gifted with complimentary “tuition calculators,” which, ironically, also function as highly advanced devices for self-delusion. Many exited the bus clutching their invaluable souvenirs, convinced that a degree in “Applied Loneliness Studies” was just the ticket to riding high in a man-made financial roller coaster. As the sun sets over the Texas horizon, anyone contemplating a college education is urged to “think big” as they embark on their own unique path to future debt, reminding them that while the Texas motto may be “Everything is bigger in Texas,” in state funding is apparently still “too small to matter.” In closing, the Texas College Tour aims to inspire potential students by embracing the age-old adage that, once your degree hits the wall, dreams may fade, but those student loans? They’ll stick around for life.