In a bold display of solidarity with the elite, Texas banks hosted the inaugural “Rich People’s Rally” this past weekend, where attendees were encouraged to flaunt their wealth while completely disregarding the growing crisis of affordable housing in the state. With a glitzy backdrop of high-rises and luxury cars, it was a gathering where the less fortunate were not just an afterthought; they were actually an inconvenience. The event took place at the prestigious Gold-Plated Banking Hall, a name chosen to reflect their commitment to the 1%. Inside, attendees were greeted with caviar fountains and crystal champagne flutes as they mingled amongst fellow millionaire magnates and billionaire barons. “Who needs affordable housing when you can purchase your third or fourth vacation home?” one attendee quipped, sipping on a beverage that resembled gold dust mixed with aged whiskey. While a significant portion of the population struggles to find rent that doesn’t require selling a kidney, the bank executives discussed ways to leverage their wealth further. “Why invest in low-income housing when we can invest in more luxurious lofts that only the top 5% can afford?” exclaimed the CEO of WealthBank, who was donned in a silk suit embroidered with dollar signs. “More exclusive enclaves mean more prestige!” Attendees were delighted to watch the “Rich Get Richer” panel, featuring notable figures such as the Governor of Texas, who recently redefined “affordable” to mean whatever price sounds good when you have six figures in your bank account. “We’re here to build a brighter, shining future for those who can actually afford it,” he explained, as the crowd erupted in applause, forgetting that affluence isn’t a substantial solution to the housing crisis. As the evening progressed, guests participated in charity auctions for a small community initiative aimed at “saving the rich from their guilt.” Luxury items like a diamond-encrusted shovel and a golden boulder were on display, all in the name of alleviating the burden of wealth. “What better way for us to make a difference than to show off just how much we can give to well-meaning projects that sound good on Instagram?” chimed in another guest, clutching a miniature yacht made entirely of solid gold. Outside the lavish venue, a rally of concerned citizens futilely protested against rising rents and dwindling opportunities to own homes. Their cries for affordable housing were drowned out by the blaring melodies of a mariachi band, hired to entertain the affluent attendees. “What’s a little social justice when you have your own personal violinist?” mused one millionaire, tossing a gold coin into the air. In a final flourish, the gala concluded with a grand balloon drop featuring plush properties sagging under the weight of exorbitant mortgages, an apt metaphor for the Texas housing market. As the wealthy departed in their limousines, one bank executive exclaimed, “Affordable housing? That’ll be the tagline for our next marketing campaign—after all, it’s great for PR!” The only thing clearer at the Rich People’s Rally than the caviar is that the glittering future for Texas does not appear to include its less fortunate residents. One thing’s for certain, the road to luxury will likely remain paved with the dreams of the poor—at least until they can be turned into trendy art installations.