In a stunning new twist in U.S. immigration policy, the Supreme Court has decreed that the 1798 Alien and Sedition Acts are not just historical relics but a flexible framework ripe for contemporary application. Proclaiming "if it worked in the 18th century, why not now?", the Court has greenlit Donald Trump's latest venture: the "Deportation Express," a high-speed train running exclusively for Venezuelan gangsters. As the news broke, President Trump appeared on Twitter, declaring, "We're bringing back the 1798 vibes! Only this time, there won’t be any pesky paperwork. Just hop on the train, gangsters!" Sources indicate that some gangsters are already scrambling to perfect their cover stories—“I’m a chef! My specialty? Arepas!” seemed to be the most popular alibi circulating among fleeing criminals. The Supreme Court's decision came in the wake of U.S. Judge James Boasberg's insistence that the swift deportations were more reminiscent of a high-stakes game of musical chairs than a lawful immigration process. However, after a short deliberation—consisting mainly of “Wouldn't it be funny if we just went for it?”—the justices decided the nation needed a spectacular show of strength reminiscent of its founding fathers grappling with foreign influences. In press conferences, Trump touts that the 1798 law "really knows how to get things done.” When pressed about the legality, administration officials merely responded with gleeful shrugs and confirmation that the train would be stocked with snacks for the ride—specifically, "American-made nachos" and “freedom fries.” Critics of the decision are concerned about the legal implications, but the administration reassured everyone with a radically refreshing approach: “If you like your amendments, you can keep your amendments, just as long as they don’t apply to aliens—unless they’re really bad ones!” Meanwhile, gang members have taken to social media to voice their grievances, with hashtags like #NotAllGangsters and #VenezuelanChefLife trending across platforms. “They say we’re criminals, but can’t a guy just learn to cook?” one gang member lamented as he set up a makeshift grill outside a deportation center. In a closing statement, Trump declared, "This is just the beginning! Next, we’ll be laying down the ‘Revolutionary War Express’ to send more criminals packing—across the ocean, if necessary. After all, if we can just wing it with old laws, sky's the limit!" As the first group of alleged gangsters boarded the Deportation Express, a new slogan emerged: “All aboard for freedom!" The train, inevitably delayed due to paperwork disputes, is expected to depart sometime next year, or possibly in an alternate universe where logic prevails.