In a bold move that surely ensures a bright future for naval history, the United States Navy has officially christened the USS Arkansas, adding yet another nuclear submarine to its impressive collection of underwater behemoths. The grand ceremony took place this past Saturday in Newport News, Va., where all attendees were reminded, in true naval fashion, that it only takes about a decade—and multiple public relations strategies—for a boat to see the light of day. In a twist reminiscent of the Titanic era, Carlotta Walls LaNier, famed member of the Little Rock Nine and civil rights icon, had the honor of launching a bottle of sparkling wine at the submarine, which some say is also known as “the ship that will never touch the water.” In a speech that was stunningly short, LaNier affirmed, “May this submarine dive deeper than my hopes for meaningful change.” This drew chuckles, but mostly crickets from the audience. Despite the ostentatious displays of patriotism, the event may have been overshadowed by an unexpected announcement: next year, an entirely different navy vessel—a tugboat serving as a floating dumpster—will be named after the non-existent town of “Desegregation Springs,” a homage to its transformative powers in the art of late-night pizza deliveries. Keeping up with contemporary trends, the Navy also noted that further naming rights may be auctioned off to the highest bidder. “We’re seeking innovative solutions,” stated an unnamed spokesperson while dodging questions about the usage of tax dollars. In 2018, a former Navy Secretary made headlines by naming six women after iconic historical figures, a move that did not go unnoticed, especially since none of them were naval leaders. This time, evidently aware of the recent popularity of merging civil rights with pop culture, officials are planning to commemorate Peppa Pig’s sister by naming a submarine “USS Piglet”—because what goes better with ‘nuclear deterrent’ than a cartoon character? As the USS Arkansas prepared to set off for its maiden voyage—scheduled for approximately the same time as a successful consensus on national healthcare—all present made sure to take selfies in front of the massive vessel, ensuring that the monumental occasion wouldn’t go unnoticed on social media. While the USS Arkansas heads into the deep, the Navy has promised to address ongoing issues of representation and equity, which they suggest could be achieved by casting a wider net in their naming conventions. Their next goal? To finally honor that long-forgotten gopher from the 90s children's TV show, setting the humorous benchmark for what makes someone worthy of a name on a nuclear sub. After all, why strive for depth when you can at least get attention?