In a thrilling and somewhat bewildering expedition, Wisconsin Dells High School has officially launched its inaugural “Student Safari,” an innovative educational program that blends zoology, survival skills, and the art of dodging rogue raccoons. The curriculum includes valuable skills such as “How to Identify a Deer From a Distance of Less Than Five Feet” and “Catching Chipmunks with Your Bare Hands.” The program promises to prepare students for the wild, both in nature and perhaps in the high school cafeteria, a decision that has intrigued both students and parents alike. As students boarded the buses adorned with pictures of exotic animals (that looked suspiciously like clipart), buzzed about the thrill of encountering nature, they quickly learned the true adventure of navigating the high school parking lot on a Thursday morning. Parent-teacher meetings were set aside as teachers released their inner explorers, instructing students to embrace the school motto, “In the wilderness, we trust…and also in Google Maps.” Led by the only science teacher willing to wear shorts in October, Ms. Sheila “Safari” Hunt, the students were divided into primal tribes: the “Moose Tracks,” “Bear Necessities,” and “Sasquatch Squad,” each tasked with finding the largest pile of crunchy leaves to document for extra credit. Rumor has it that the “Sasquatch Squad” got lost briefly... for several hours... before finding a Taco Bell and calling it a day. Many speculate that their agility in surviving second-rate fast food may be the unrivaled skill paramount for life after graduation. With enthusiasm bubbling over, students wielded makeshift canes fashioned from last year’s poetry awards, detouring on “nature trails” they discovered wound through the bleachers of the football field, right past the gymnasium. “I never knew lunch hour could be so dangerous,” said junior Avery Johnson, encountered three feet from the cafeteria door attempting to coax a squirrel into her backpack. Avery has since reportedly started a “Squirrel Whisperers” club, with hopes of recruiting fellow adventurers looking to break into the lucrative market of “squirrel-aided studies.” As dusk settled over the Dells, the “Moose Tracks” tribe stumbled upon what they claimed was a rare type of luminescent mushroom, which turned out to be leftover glow sticks from last year’s homecoming dance decorations. Propelled by this “discovery,” they promptly staged a dramatic reenactment of National Geographic documentaries, complete with sound effects that might lead you to believe a herd of wildebeests was invading the gymnasium. In their most daring escapade, students engaged in the much-discussed challenge of “Finding the Lost Cheddar Cheese,” a mythic treasure said to have been hidden behind the industrial arts room approximately 15 years ago. This adventure took a turn for the mundane as they instead uncovered a cache of vintage cassette tapes, which sparked a “Throwback Day” that will surely go down in history as one of the most confusing moments of the school experience. In closing ceremonies, amidst cheers and the faint sound of echoes from long-forgotten student screams, Ms. Hunt declared the Safaris a success. “Today we learned that the wild is not just outside these walls, it also lurks within them, especially when e-sports tournaments begin or snack time rolls around.” With tales that could rival the best wildlife documentaries, Wisconsin Dells High School certainly made a splash with its Student Safari. However, many parents are left wondering if their children ventured far enough into the wilderness to forget the entire semester’s math homework. As the adventure drew to a close, ambitious students began rallying for next month’s “Extreme Study Hall,” which promises to take educational chaos to unprecedented heights. Stay tuned!