In a shocking turn of events that no one saw coming, America’s once-booming electric vehicle (EV) market has hit a seemingly insurmountable roadblock, leaving experts puzzled and automakers scratching their heads in disbelief. As the rest of the world barrels ahead into the future with sleek, silent vehicles that glide through the streets on pure electricity, the U.S. automotive industry has taken a sharp left turn into the past, opting to double down on the tried-and-true—gas-guzzling, carbon-belching muscle cars that have defined our great nation for decades. The news comes after a recent report indicating a startling decline in EV sales, sparking a frenzy among industry analysts who are frantically attempting to decipher the true meaning of this tragic trend. “Perhaps the American consumer just enjoys the feel of a good old-fashioned V8 engine rumbling beneath their fingers,” suggested one industry analyst, while nervously glancing at his own wide-eyed reflection in a nearby rearview mirror. “Or maybe they just really missed the smell of gasoline wafting through their windows during the morning commute.” Indeed, as consumers are bombarded with options of electric SUVs that promise to be environmentally friendly and cost-efficient, many have chosen to ignore that pesky little 'eco' aspect in favor of larger, more imposing vehicles that leave behind huge clouds of black smoke like an angry character straight out of a 90s action movie. “What’s the fun in saving the planet if you can’t make some noise while tearing up the asphalt?” one driver wheezed from behind the wheel of his gas-guzzler, as a plume of exhaust spewed out into the clear blue sky. Even the federal government, which launched a widespread campaign to support electric vehicles not too long ago, appears to have hit the brake pedal on its green transition. Reports are circulating that a secret committee has been formed to explore ways to retro-fit Tesla charging stations with giant fuel pumps as backup, just in case any confused drivers decided to pull up needing a good ol’ full tank instead of a battery recharge. “We wouldn’t want to leave anyone behind on this journey to the future,” said a source close to the committee. Meanwhile, automakers have spent billions of dollars on research and development, working tirelessly to create vehicles that promise to drive themselves into the future. Yet, as they unveil their latest electric models, they are left scratching their heads as customers seem more interested in shiny new truck decals and rumbling exhaust kits than environmentally friendly features. “I guess we just misread the room,” admitted an industry marketing executive, while packing his briefcase filled with slogans such as “Go Green or Go Home.” Despite these setbacks, there remains a flicker of hope. Several start-ups are turning their attention to producing retro electric vehicles, complete with chrome bumpers and retro styling that look suspiciously like those gas-guzzlers home from the 60s. “People love nostalgia,” declared a spry young entrepreneur, “and who wouldn’t want to embrace the duality of saving the planet while cruising down the boulevard in a vintage electric Chevy?!” Though, skeptics quickly noted that this was really just an ESCAPED dinosaur trying to put its foot back in the oil industry’s shoe. As the world moves toward a more sustainable future, one can only wonder how long America will keep its foot firmly pressed on the pedal of the past. Current trends suggest we might need to buy stock in oil futures, as it appears the golden age of takeaway brunch and Tesla road trips may have reached a screeching halt—leaving American drivers to do what they do best: navigate traffic in their gargantuan vehicles, Bluetooth headset firmly in place, with a smirk and an ancient road map in hand. Long live the internal combustion engine!