In a groundbreaking move that has left environmentalists scratching their heads, several states in the United States have banded together in a bold initiative demanding the removal of federal protections for grizzly bears. Dubbed the “Save the Bears… From Their Own Protection” campaign, the coalition insists that the majestic creatures are in dire need of liberation from the burdens of conservation. “The grizzlies are suffocating under the weight of their own protection,” said the newly appointed Chief Grizzly Liberation Officer, Ted Klawson, at a press conference surrounded by a small gathering of bewildered onlookers. “It’s like putting a grizzly in a spa and asking it to do yoga. They need room to roam free, and by free, I mean free from annoying federal regulations.” The states argue that grizzly bears are now so successful that they are, in fact, a menace to society, pushing out trendy coffee shops and ruining picnics with their insistent demands for organic, grass-fed snacks. “Why should we keep them around just because they’re ‘endangered’? I mean, have you seen one lately? They stroll through neighborhoods like they own the place,” complained local business owner Julie’s Deli, who lamented the decreasing number of hoof print-themed T-shirts since grizzly numbers began to rise. The initiative has received broad bipartisan support. Politicians from both sides have rallied together, declaring, “If we can’t exploit the bears, what’s even the point of having them?” Supporters have even begun drafting legislation to categorize grizzlies as “wild, but not too wild” and offer them an optional “Bear Boot Camp” to “toughen them up” before their big release into the wild, where they can be monitored via “Bear Cams” set up like an elaborate reality TV show. “This is more than just about bears,” said Governor Mac Prickle of Wyoming. “It’s about liberty! Every creature deserves the right to make boneheaded decisions, and if that means getting hit by a car while foraging for artisanal snacks—so be it!” In a surprising twist, the initiative has sparked an underground movement among whatever remains of grizzly bear constituencies. Local wildlife organizations have reported sightings of bears gathering in secret meetings, possibly organizing for a “Grizzly Bear Rights March.” “We’re not just cuddly creatures; we want agency!” shouted a bear in a video that has since gone viral, arguing that its plight results from “human mansplaining.” Economists are weighing in on the potential benefits of removing protections, citing the booming economy that tourism to bear habitats could create if people were encouraged to interact more intimately with these “historic symbols” of America. “Imagine the merchandise,” cheered local entrepreneur Mike Greene, as he unveiled designs for grizzly-themed beach towels and picture-perfect Instagram setups dubbed “Bears Gone Wild.” As controversy swirls, perhaps the only clear thing is that someone is going to make a lot of money off of what was once just a bear's simple life—if not the bears themselves. So buckle up as these states put forth the next episode of “Survivor: Grizzly Edition,” where cuddly meets capitalism, and everybody will have to tune in to see which side wins: the bears or the people who think they’re saving them from themselves.