In a groundbreaking case that could pave the way for a new era of vehicular sanity, a Seattle judge has taken a bold step toward curbing teenage recklessness by sentencing 18-year-old Chase Daniel Jones, a self-proclaimed “speed demon,” to a whopping 17 years behind bars—and a “Turbo No-Go” device for any future joyrides. The “Turbo No-Go” device, designed to ensure that drivers like Jones can’t exceed the speed limit by more than 5 miles per hour, has been hailed as a revolutionary solution to teenage thrill-seeking. With its sleek design and flashing lights, the device not only immobilizes vehicles when the accelerator is pressed too firmly but also emits a motivational voice saying, “Slow down, speed racer!” whenever it is activated. Jones, who totaled two cars in the previous year while chasing a personal best speed (113 mph, for the record, during one particularly nostalgic race to the local ice cream shop), may have thought the judge would be lenient due to his charming admission of a "need for speed." Unfortunately for him, the court was less interested in a joyous exchange of teenage bravado and more about pedestrian safety and the mental well-being of innocent minivan drivers. In a show of judicial creativity, the judge went beyond traditional sentencing. “We need to treat speed addiction like we treat that other teenage malady: excessive scrolling on social media,” the judge clarified in a press release after the trial. “From now on, any car that Jones tries to drive will have a literal ‘cruise control on life’ feature. Not only will it limit his speed, but it will also require him to listen to an endless loop of classical music—perfect for a calming driving experience.” The verdict has sparked nationwide debates about the future of responsible driving among the youth. Some proponents of the “Turbo No-Go” device claim it should be standard in all vehicles, especially those driven by teenagers—while others argue it should come with an added feature: an automatic selfie-capture mechanism that snaps a picture every time the device intervenes, ensuring parents never miss a single teenage cringe moment. Meanwhile, Jones’ friends have started an online fundraiser to purchase him a more advanced model of the device, claiming it should also be equipped with a "social media blocker" to prevent him from posting selfies while driving. "What he needs is a full-on driving boot camp," one friend suggested. "Have you seen 'Fast and Furious'? He wants to live life a quarter mile at a time; he just needs to learn that sometimes, it's okay to drive 25 miles per hour… especially in a school zone!” One can only wonder how many other speed addicts will benefit from their very own “Turbo No-Go” devices, carving out a safer, albeit slower path to freedom. For now, Chase Daniel Jones will have to find new ways to embrace the thrill of life, like playing Mario Kart at a reasonable speed—after all, that’s where all the real speed demons begin their journey!