In an unprecedented turn of events, Special Counsel David Weiss has concluded that discussing any potential additional charges against Hunter Biden is now as taboo as discussing family recipes at a family reunion. This bold declaration came after President Biden’s recent “Get-Out-of-Jail-Free” card incident, which experts say may have single-handedly redefined the concept of accountability. Weiss’s highly-anticipated report, which is longer than the average fantasy novel and just as convoluted, reportedly details his decision to charge Hunter but immediately pivots to a lengthy dissertation on the virtues of family loyalty and the power of presidential forgiveness. “I realize that looking into additional charges would be like reading a sequel without finishing the first book,” Weiss stated in a press conference so riveting that even the accompanying crickets chirped in rapt attention. “The notion that a father would intervene to protect his son is as old as time itself,” Weiss continued, citing examples ranging from Greek mythology to your average Thanksgiving dinner when Grandma claims undercooked turkey is a ‘family tradition.’ “However, as a special counsel, my hands are tied—mostly because they’re cramped from too much paperwork. Plus, I really don’t want to upset the Bidens during family game night.” While the Justice Department's report is said to provide keen insights into Hunter Biden's escapades—from creative art sales to alleged international intrigue—it seems the most thrilling chapter might just be the one about his dad’s presidential pardon granting him safe passage across the legal landscape. Legal experts have dubbed this “The Ultimate Parental Shield,” which might soon be considered a must-have accessory for all politicians facing scrutiny. Reports indicate that the leading political analysts in their living rooms are eagerly awaiting the day when members of Congress break out into a spontaneous game of “Who else could benefit from a presidential pardon?”—a game that promises to feature contestants from both sides of the aisle. Critics argue that Weiss's decision opens a Pandora's box of family interventions that nobody asked for. “Soon, we may find ourselves in a situation where anyone can waltz into the Oval Office and ask for a free pass on their legal troubles, provided they bring a nice fruitcake or two,” said one anonymous source with a flair for the dramatic. As the nation sits with bated breath, waiting for Congress to process Weiss's report—so they can argue relentlessly about it in public—one thing becomes abundantly clear: the line between justice and familial love has never been more blurred, and the stakes never higher. Who needs a lawyer when you have a dad with a good excuse?