In a stunning revelation that has shocked absolutely no one, scientists have confirmed that South Carolina, the land of sweet tea, sandy beaches, and a love for college football, ranks among the least solar-friendly states in the nation. In a place where the sun shines almost every day, it seems the locals have mastered the art of looking directly at it without actually harnessing any of its power. The report, which was funded by an organization that suspects the sun might actually be plotting against South Carolinians, points out that while the state enjoys about 218 sunny days per year, residents have opted instead to chase fleeting clouds in a futile attempt to find shade. Local architect and self-proclaimed solar expert, Bubba “The Sun Whisperer” Jenkins, commented, “We just love our good ol’ coal power here. It’s nostalgic, like grandma’s lemonade stand—totally out of business but fondly remembered.” In Charleston, where manicured lawns and antebellum homes speak to a rich history of elegance, solar panels have made an entrance that can best be described as a polite nod rather than a full-blown embrace. Local homeowner, Marjorie Roundtree, proudly displays a single solar panel atop her expansive roof that serves more as a decoration than a power source. “It just looks classy up there, you know? It’s sort of like my honeycomb wallpaper—it gives off a good vibe, but it doesn’t really serve a purpose anymore,” she mused while polishing her collection of antique teacups. The report revealed that even with all that sun, South Carolina's solar energy capacity could be most aptly described as “underwhelming.” This is largely due to a complex maze of red tape, outdated zoning laws, and a state legislature that seems more focused on erecting confederate monuments than green technology. Legislators are now fiercely debating whether it’s best to tax solar energy (in order to keep things fair for coal) or simply issue a public apology for suggesting that solar energy might ever work in the Palmetto State. Residents of Columbia, often seen as the beating heart of the state, have largely decided that embracing solar energy is akin to a daring dietary change—simply too risky. “I’ve heard that solar panels can save you money, but have you seen my electric bill?” said local skeptic Ernest Grumbleton, who shared that he prefers to rely on his age-old relationship with the local power company, despite their overpriced, outdated service akin to a payphone in a cell phone era. While other states are slashing renewable energy goals like they’re trimming their hedges, South Carolinians are taking the complete opposite approach—throwing their hands up in exasperation and accepting whatever fate the power companies bestow upon them. “We’d rather complain about the electric bill than actually do something about it. You know, the Carolina way,” stated local philosopher and porch-sitter, Buford Slim. As we move forward into an era where talking about solar energy is more fashionable than actually utilizing it, South Carolina can rest easy knowing that its charm lies not in its renewable prospects, but in its steadfast commitment to only “almost” going green. After all, nothing says southern hospitality like a state that prefers natural sunlight with a side of coal.