Bucolic Shelby County in the big heart of Sweet Home Alabama, known to most normal Americans as the home of genuine Southern charm, red-clay politics and unlaundered dueling scandals, recently held the world's greatest voting powwow this side of the Mason-Dixon line. For true lovers of democracy and fried chicken, this spectacle was far beyond any average mid-week bingo or county fair that anyone could conjure in their wildest sweet potato dreams. No sir, this was a gathering that saw red, white, and blue-clad attendees huddle around in hopes of finding their political superhero, powered by nothing less than prayers, anxiety, and a whole lot of Mountain Dew. Underneath the gigantic Stars and Stripes hoisted on a friendly neighborhood grain silo, Ma and Pa Kettle from down Shelby way stood behind the table topping off gallons of piping hot sweet tea, suffused with existential dread and enough sugar to give a diabetic elephant a fit. "You see, it's all about finding a hero who stands for honesty, integrity, and reasonable breakfast burrito prices at the local diner," murmured Pa Kettle, a retired stock car racer turned occasional patriot after his last run-in with a corn cob happened to go viral online. In this unabashedly patriotic gathering, residents could be seen conversing, contemplating, consoling, and occasionally cussing, while their dogs, children, and inexplicably a goat named Gerald ambled wild-eyed and free against the backdrop of the stunning rolling Alabama hills. And among the political posers, one profile piqued the interest of the people. Local celebrity and arguably the biggest life insurance salesman within a 50-mile radius, Chet "The Check" Blackburn, who swaggered around in his cowboy boots, spitting tobacco in soda cans and declaring his intentions to "repeal, rework and repurpose" with the natural flair of a seasoned politician. But what exactly Chet planned to "repeal, rework and repurpose" remained tantalizingly cryptic as he dodged every pointed question from intrepid, baked-bean infused locals with impressive agility almost rivalling his high-school quarterback days. As the sun lethargically slid beneath the horizon, granting relief to the sweaty masses munching biscuits, the great Shelby County voting powwow concluded with an immense huzzah (or was it a hiccup?). And so, while the Shelby County residents' quest for a political hero continues, one thing was clear - No solicitor, Senator, or superhero could ever compete with the humble allure of Shelby's family recipes, pawpaw's tales, and most importantly, the sense of community. For Sweet Home Alabama, that's more than enough heroism as of now!