In a shocking turn of events, the local high school has announced that the end of the academic year will officially be celebrated in the school's brand new prison wing, a state-of-the-art facility equipped with bars, guards, and a surprisingly comfortable cafeteria. Principal Smiley McPun said in a press conference, “We’re taking learning to the next level—and that level happens to have a lock and key!” This unprecedented move comes in light of a series of unfortunate events, including a day when a science experiment went horribly wrong, culminating in the school's beloved mascot, Chester the Cheetah, being launched into the principal's office at mach 2. Citing “high-stakes learning,” the school board has decided that the only way to teach students the importance of rules is to put them in a place where they can learn what happens when those rules are broken. Instead of traditional finals, students will be facing off in a series of mandatory “survival challenges,” which include crafting makeshift shivs from lunch utensils and solving math equations to hack into the grading system (hopefully without getting caught). Senior class president Jenny Lockhart said, “I was really looking forward to a beach trip, but turning our last day into a prison riot simulation sounds even better, I guess. At least we won’t have homework!” To make matters worse, the school is hosting a new extracurricular activity—Caged Wrestling, where students can earn PE credits for body slamming their fellow classmates atop a makeshift ring built from abandoned furniture. The winner will receive a coveted 'Get Out of Detention Free' card, which many are calling the new golden ticket. Parents are reportedly thrilled, stating it’s a great way to prepare their kids for the “real world.” One mother was overheard saying, “I always told my kid he’d end up behind bars one day. Now he can practice budgeting from inside the cafeteria! Maybe he’ll finally learn about money management or at least how to shank a cupcake for a lunch trade!” Additionally, field trips have taken on a new meaning. Instead of the usual museum visits, I'm curious if former inmates from the local penitentiary will now be guest speakers passionate about the arts of tattooing and the culinary talents of prison food—I mean, who could resist a homemade ramen tutorial? In a last-ditch effort to salvage tradition, the school is still holding a graduation ceremony... in solitary confinement, where each student will be presented with their diploma through the slot in the door of their cell. While it’s not quite the cap-and-gown extravaganza they envisioned, the school assures everyone that, with good behavior, diplomas may become available for early release. As the bell rings for the final time this academic year, students are preparing to exchange their textbooks for prison jumpsuits, all in good fun, of course. Smiley McPun ended the press conference with a wink, “Let’s show the world that just because school’s out, it doesn’t mean the learning stops! Now, who’s ready for some real-life lessons?” School administrators are reportedly in talks with local police to establish expedited ‘detentions’ for students who take their new extracurricular activities just a little too seriously. As students embark on an unconventional summer, the greater community is left wondering: how low can we go before we run out of bars?