In an unprecedented and highly insightful move, Education Secretary Critica L. Learner praised a series of innovative ideas presented at the White House last week, declaring them worthy of an “A+” grade. The announcement came following a closed-door session where policymakers brainstormed intensely on how to solve the nation’s pressing educational issues—most of which were brought up by kindergarteners during a field trip. Among the star ideas was the revolutionary “Detention Reward Program,” which will give students a trophy for every three detentions they serve. "This not only motivates the kids to be bad, but it also teaches them that even poor behavior can lead to tangible benefits," Learner declared while tossing a gold-plated detention trophy into a sea of hopeful toddlers. Another brilliant initiative was the “Pop Quiz of the Month Club,” where students will receive surprise pop quizzes in every subject, accompanied by free donuts. “It's a win-win situation! They get sugar and we can assess their panic levels in real-time,” said Chief Advisor Procrastin8tor, adjusting his oversized glasses as he scribbled down notes on how to reel in more sponsors for the donut deliveries. The education team also revealed plans for “Homework-Free Fridays,” which initially started as a joke but quickly gained traction. “We realized that kids spend way too much time at their desks doing homework, when they could be doing… well, literally anything else,” said one adviser, while eyeing a nearby pizza delivery driver. “We believe in prioritizing quality time, even if it’s just shouting about how unfair everything is over the sauce." Moreover, the White House introduced an app called “Distract-o-Matic,” designed to help students focus by constantly notifying them about the latest viral TikTok trends. “I can’t focus on history when I’m missing out on fun dances and cat videos!” said one middle school student, nodding enthusiastically as he uploaded a recent performance. The Secretary further touted the idea of “Student-Led Parent-Teacher Conferences,” where students will finally have the opportunity to give their teachers a piece of their minds. “Imagine the shock on a teacher’s face when they find out that Timmy has some serious opinions about algebra!” exclaimed Learner, as she high-fived a nearby goldfish for good luck. When asked about the feedback from actual educators in the field, Learner briefly attempted to gauge their reactions but was cut short by a stampede of self-proclaimed educational gurus chanting, "More trophies, less homework!" Clearly, there was no dissenting opinion in sight. In closing, Learner confidently predicted that the nation’s educational system was on the brink of transformation. “We might not have closed the achievement gap today, but hey, at least we've bridged it with a donut-shaped bridge!" With that, she tossed a glittering star sticker into the audience, declaring it mandatory for all schools to adopt the sticker system as a new grading scale. As the event concluded, policy advisors scrambled to prepare for the next meeting where they would discuss the merits of changing the school mascot to “The Detention Eagles”—a symbolic nod to both resilience and questionable behavior. National educators are keeping their fingers crossed, and toddlers no longer see detention as a punishment but as an opportunity for gold stars and free pastries!