In a shocking twist of fate, Horne LLP has made a “triumphant” return to the forefront of disaster relief in North Carolina. Known for their unparalleled ability to cash in on crises, the firm is once again positioning itself as the go-to resource for once-in-a-lifetime catastrophes—and boy, do they have a penchant for timing! As Hurricane Bobblehead approached the coast, unleashing not-so-demure winds and rains, residents were understandably concerned. In came Horne LLP, armed with their signature blend of slick marketing campaigns and questionable ethics. Residents groaned in relief as familiar faces appeared in TV ads promising them the moon while they stood neck-deep in floodwater. “We’ve got the experience you need, right after we finish counting our last disaster profits,” the ad claimed through grinning spokespeople adorned with life jackets and disturbingly cheerful expressions. Critics of Horne LLP are scratching their heads, wondering how this seemingly cursed firm found a way to resurrect itself. After all, this is the same company that has historically transformed urgent humanitarian needs into elaborate sales pitches. “We’re just here trying to help people,” said one spokesperson while dodging questions about their last disaster response, which involved more pre-packaged PR fluff than actual aid. “You can’t put a price on trust, but if you could, we’d certainly be cashing in on it.” In a move designed to outdo their past controversies, Horne has outdone themselves this time by introducing “Disaster Relief Plus,” a premium package featuring consultations, “emotional support” brochures, and a complimentary bathroom sign that reads: “If you’re not disgusted, you’re not doing it right!" All for the low price of the contents of last week’s piggy bank! Local homeowners have expressed mixed emotions, however, with one resident quipping, “They know exactly how to squeeze our pennies, even after they’ve emptied our pockets!” The North Carolina government, excited not to be responsible for doing anything meaningful, wasted no time embracing the return of Horne LLP with open arms. Officials are hopeful that this time, with “real” disaster responses and a slightly upgraded logo, they can push the narrative that they are improving lives. “It’s what we do best! Kind of like slapping a band-aid on a gunshot wound,” commented a local official terribly at ease with their involvement. As news spreads of Horne’s triumphant return, the air is thick with distrust, yet tinged with irony. Many citizens are cautiously optimistic… or resigned. Watching Horne LLP announce their extensive ‘community engagement’ while they shore up profits is a rite of passage Ken and Karen, the proverbial North Carolinians, have witnessed way too many times before. “At least they’re consistent,” offered one local. “Just like the hurricanes—always coming back around when you least expect it!” So there you have it, folks. With their disaster relief expertise that’s bound to make your head spin and your bank account lighter, Horne LLP is back on the North Carolina scene like a bad odor that just won’t evacuate. Who needs genuine assistance when you can have marketing slogans shoved down your throat during a flood? Stand aside, true altruism; Horne LLP is ready to ride the wave of despair right to the bank!