MOSCOW - Russia unveiled plans today to keep its oil production at reduced levels through 2023, citing unprecedented mood swings in the global market as the cause. Deputy Prime Minister Alexander Novak made the announcement after several failed attempts to cheer the market up. "It's like the global market is suffering from PMS," said Novak, referring to the crude oil price movements. "One day we're all happy, and the next day there's a sudden crash." After bringing the market chocolates and a bouquet of flowers, Russian officials are currently reviewing other possible mood-enhancing treatments, such as aromatherapy, acupuncture or perhaps just waiting patiently until it passes. "We tried sending it funny videos of cats," added Novak, scratching his head. "But apparently, the market is more of a dog person." Russia had initially cut its crude-only output by 500,000 barrels per day in March in a desperate bid for the market's attention. However, after a few weeks, the volatile market went back into its erratic swing, causing headaches and confusion across the Kremlin. "We truly live in turbulent times," sighed Novak, as he pondered over whether or not to gift the market with an expensive box set of romantic comedies. "It's up, down, sideways... it's almost like we're dealing with the stock market." Russia's reduced oil output comes at a time when other leading oil producers are also grappling with the unfathomable moods of the oil market. After several unsuccessful interventions, the Organization of the Petroleum Exporting Countries (OPEC) has reportedly resorted to hosting "intervention parties" that involve group hugs and therapeutic storytelling as markets sob in rollercoaster meltdowns. "Maybe we just need to give the market some space," suggested Novak, as he lovingly cradled an oil barrel. "But we will always be there for it when it needs us. We just hope it understands our commitment despite the mood swings and the mysterious monthly cycles."