BRUSSELS (AP) – In a dazzling display of diplomatic finesse, U.S. Secretary of State Marco Rubio arrived in Brussels Thursday to reassure NATO allies while simultaneously stimulating the market for vintage T-shirts. Sporting a newly designed "NATO: Established 1949 - Now Available for Resale" shirt, Rubio made it clear that while America’s commitment to the alliance might be questionable, their fashion choices would always remain timeless. In a press conference inspired by the flamboyant artistry of a modern-day circus, Rubio denounced the “hysteria and hyperbole” surrounding President Trump’s views on NATO. “Let’s face it, folks, the world is changing, and polyester blends are making a comeback. Can NATO really compete with that?” Rubio quipped, adjusting his chin and looking as if he was about to drop a hot mixtape on geopolitics. His remarks were punctuated by the enthusiastic nods of newly appointed ambassador to NATO, Matt Whitaker, who had his own unique take on the alliance’s future. “We’re not saying NATO is irrelevant, but have you seen the price of vintage T-shirts? My neighbor’s cat just sold his for $500 at a flea market!” Whitaker exclaimed as he flipped through his phone, showcasing a collection of NATO-themed merchandise that included everything from coffee mugs to ironic pop-art prints of ancient military strategies. The duo’s efforts to soothe the anxieties of NATO members came against the backdrop of recent comments from Washington suggesting that the 75-year-old alliance could be about as relevant as their parents' old concert tees. This reality seemed to resonate in the eyes of European leaders, who quietly began preparing their own “NATO: We’re Still Here! (Sort Of)” merchandise lines. Attendees at the summit observed a gathering of ambassadors trying to mask their disbelief behind perfectly crafted smiles. Improvements in hand gesture flow seemed to becoming the priority, with leaders putting more emphasis on selling the “NATO charm” rather than discussing concrete strategies for defense. Rumors swirled about pitches for a new theme song, with hopeful contenders lining up to sing their own versions of “We Are the World,” rebranded as “We Might Be the World, If We Can Find It.” As the gathering continued, some noticed a conspicuous absence of all the discussants’ summer wear. “I was promised polo shirts, and I expected an open bar,” one disgruntled ambassador murmured. Washington's insistence on casual Fridays prevailing, even in the face of Cold War tensions, seemed to be the one unifying thread left among allies. In closing remarks, Rubio promised NATO members that while the commitment may fluctuate with the season, the U.S. would always stand ready to respond — as long as someone kept the coffee hot and the T-shirts trendy. “After all, who doesn’t love a good throwback?” he winked, while Whitaker snickered, “Next up, reveling in retro alliances!” The conference ended on a high note, with leaders going back to their nations not only armed with uncertain reassurances but also swag bags full of NATO keychains and stylish, metaphorically charged apparel. As the meeting adjourned and officials strutted out in their newly acquired memorabilia, one thing was clear: whether or not NATO's relevance was a reality, its fashion status was certainly on the rise.