In a bold move that has left fans scratching their heads, Manchester United has appointed Ruben Amorim, a man whose managerial experience consists of managing a handful of Portuguese clubs and winning a few shiny trophies, as their new head honcho. But the infamous Roy Keane has stepped up from his usual role as a man with a perpetually furrowed brow to a dose of reality, warning Amorim that stepping into the Old Trafford dugout is about as relaxing as a bed of nails. Keane, known for his charming disposition and affinity for colorful language, made sure to clarify that managing United is "no dinner party." "Listen," he declared, no doubt while clenching a cup of tea in a fit of nostalgia, “he’s been working with a group of guys who think they’re top players just because they can pass the ball between 30 yards. Here at United, it’s a different kettle of fish. You’ve got egos the size of the stadium and a fanbase that thinks you should win every match while juggling flaming swords. Good luck to him!” Amorim, for his part, appeared unphased and maintained his charm offensive, offering standard managerial platitudes such as “I’m looking forward to the challenge” and “the players give 100%.” Little does he realize, such remarks are akin to saying “I love long walks on the beach” during a shark attack. As Amorim prepares for his debut against Ipswich Town, the stage is set not only for a football match but for an awkward game of managerial charades, where each sideline gesture could have dire consequences. Should he pull a face or make an inappropriate hand signal, he might find himself on the receiving end of Keane's legendary tongue-lashing. And just when you thought the pressures of managing one of the most storied clubs in football history couldn’t intensify, Amorim also has the critical task of reuniting a team that has been compared to a broken clock—right twice a day, but utterly useless the rest of the time. The players will be watching him closely, eager to see if he can turn their apparent talent into something resembling a coherent footballing strategy. In an emergency press conference, shell-shocked press members bravely asked about his game plan. “We’ll take it one match at a time,” he assured them, brilliantly avoiding specifics while summoning the age-old trick of managing expectations. “I believe in the process,” he added, as the local bakery prepared to sell “Hope for a Process” pastries. Whether Amorim is destined to become a United hero or a cautionary tale is yet to be seen. But one thing is certain: expectations are high, and any sign of struggle will undoubtedly lead to fans wearing t-shirts with Keane quotes—even if most of them can’t quite remember the lessons he taught during his legendary playing days. As the proverbial curtain rises on this new era, we can only hope that Amorim remembers Keane’s biggest lesson: sometimes, it’s not about the dinner party. It’s about surviving the cutlery throw. Tune in to "It's All Kicking Off!" for more updates on this unfolding drama, because when it comes to Manchester United, everyone wants to be a part of the chaos—whether they like it or not.