In a bold and utterly perplexing move, the U.S. Coast Guard unveiled its latest life-saving initiative aimed at reducing drowning incidents in coastal waters: free life jackets crafted entirely from Swiss cheese. Officials insist that the unique design, featuring holes throughout the buoyant material, serves a dual purpose—promoting nautical safety while boosting the lactose economy. Admiral Steven Gouda, leading the campaign, proclaimed, “Our aim is to keep our waters safe while providing a delicious option for those who find themselves in perilous situations. Who wouldn’t want to wear something that could also double as a snack?” In a related statement, he noted, “Plus, if you get hungry while waiting to be rescued, you can always take a bite out of your life jacket!” The initiative is set to launch at beaches nationwide, with the Coast Guard zealously encouraging families to don these cheesy must-haves while frolicking in the waves. “It’s like wearing a hearty slice of safety,” said Gouda, as he presented one of the prototypes, featuring a striking hue of yellow and an aroma that resembled a charcuterie board. “Just imagine that comforting feeling of protection combined with the satisfying crunch of Swiss cheese!” However, doubts have arisen surrounding the efficacy of the flotation devices. Critics argue that the porous nature of cheese might not hold up against water turbulence. An anonymous source from the National Institute of Boaty Things stated, “It’s just a matter of time before someone sinks like a buttery soufflé.” Local lifeguards expressed growing concern, noting that potential rescuers may be more inclined to snack than save. “We’ve already had complaints of beachgoers mistaking sand for cheese dust,” lamented one lifeguard, shaking his head at the sheer absurdity of it all. “If we put necessary rescuers in danger because they want to take a bite out of their jacket, it undermines the purpose.” Despite the backlash, morale within the Coast Guard remains high. Hordes of volunteers energetically took to shelling out the jackets, armed with fondue pots and cheese wheel replicas to entice the public. “We believe that combining safety with a joke will promote awareness while fostering a spirit of lightheartedness,” claimed Gouda, oblivious to the eye rolls of seasoned coast watchers. As the news of the Swiss cheese jackets spread, the viral marketing campaign took shape—accompanied by a catchy jingle: “Float with gusto in cheese-filled delight, saving lives with every tasty bite!” Ironically, critics have begun to label the initiative a “cheesy” publicity stunt, arguing that while swimming attire may be an unorthodox approach to safety, it’s still better than wearing nothing at all. Unfortunately, a somber cloud has cast a shadow over the campaign’s glow. After a mock rescue demonstration on Lake Cheddar, tragedy struck when a test subject repeatedly sank like the cheese he was wearing, leading authorities to mandate stricter testing protocols. Family members of the unfortunate swimmer were seen holding Swiss cheese-themed memorials, while calling for a nationwide ban on edible life jackets. “Maybe the Coast Guard should consider using actual life jackets instead,” said one grieving mother, holding a plate of fondue in protest. “We need safety, not snacks.” As cries for change echo through the hearts and stomachs of disappointed beachgoers, the Coast Guard is left deliberating between further reforming their life jacket strategy or perfecting a new peanut butter flotation model. Only time will tell if the combination of safety and Swiss cheese will sink or swim.