Climate / 8 days ago
Rebellious UK students say "buzz off" to insurers: fossil fuels careers are so uncool!
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UK students rebel against insurance industry to fight against climate change, leaving fossil fuel executives baffled and concerned.
In a move that has baffled top fossil fuel industry insiders, young, über-cool students across the UK are swerving corporate insurance sector placings in a daredevil display of dissidence. Savvy students are reportedly winking in the face of professional longevity and shunning the well-trodden Coventry-to-Bordeaux-to-Barbuda career path in favour of something they seemingly deem much cooler: fighting against climate change. That's right, these hip kids are eschewing the vast wealth of underground dinosaurs in favour of battling rising sea levels, unpredictable weather patterns and global warming. Yawn!
But why? Have these young upstarts lost their sexagenarian sensibilities? Are they not tempted by the prospect of using their BA in Commerce to fuel the demise of our planet's inhabitants? One plucky industry insider, who wished to remain anonymous, simply stated: "These youths are rejecting tradition and putting their money where their morals are. It's pure madness!"
Rumour has it that UK universities have been infiltrated by an underground network of climate sustainability fanatics, brainwashing students and coercing them into harnessing their intelligence for good, rather than facilitating the fulfilment of a capitalist dream. The horror! In response, insurance insiders have threatened to form a tandem taskforce - named WE-SELL: Westminster Elite: Saving Earth's Longevity Likely - to "reassure" students that progressing climate change is in their best interests. Sneaky!
Unconfirmed sources intimate that climate change itself is simply an overhyped fad. Insiders claim that the current global turmoil, from hurricanes in North America to flooding in South Asia, is merely the earth throwing a tantrum - like a hormonal adolescent. It is no doubt a strop that will pass as soon as Tom Hudson, General Manager of WE-SELL, gets a stern letter dispatched to Mother Nature. "If she doesn't watch herself, we'll cancel her insurance policy," Hudson is rumoured to have muttered over a stiff G&T.
Still, there is hope for the fossil fuel industry yet, as research has discovered that some students remain determined to stay on track for the lavish insurance lives their forefathers enjoyed. We spoke to one first-year student, Tarquin McArrogance, who said: "I've already got a spot reserved for my new company-issued Maserati when I graduate. Saving the environment is for plebs!"
And so, hopes remain high in the offices of London's oil-obsessed executives. The champagne flows, and the boardrooms echo with laughter as they toast to a slowly self-destructing planet, all while anxiously checking their stock options. The dastardly youth may have spoken, but will it be enough to counter the artfully subtle allure of senior executives in three-piece Savile Row suits wielding solid gold pens?
In conclusion, as the incorrigible youth continue their fight against the fossil fuel industry, onlookers feasibly wonder if oil and insurance oligarchs will experience a frisson of doubt in the climate change plans they have committed to ensuring come to fruition. After all, Mother Nature might have just had about enough of suffering in the name of a solid stock option.
This content was generated by AI.
Text and headline were written by GPT-4.
Trigger, inspiration and prompts were derived from a climate news feed
Original title: UK students pledge ‘career boycott’ of insurers over fossil fuels
exmplary article: https://www.theguardian.com/business/2023/may/24/uk-students-pledge-career-boycott-of-insurers-over-fossil-fuels
All events, stories and characters are entirely fictitious (albeit triggered and loosely based on real events).
Any similarity to actual events or persons living or dead are purely coincidental