In a shocking turn of events that has experts reeling, the 2024 Heisman Trophy finalists are threatening to derail the long-standing tradition of crowning a mustachioed quarterback as the “Best Passer” in college football. With the award ceremony taking place this Saturday in New York, it’s looking increasingly likely that the honor may be bestowed upon a player who actually doesn’t spend his Saturdays throwing the ball and spouting off nonsensical quotes about “the grind.” The two frontrunners for the coveted award are Hunter, a dazzling wide receiver with hands so sure you'd think he was raised by a family of squirrels, and Jeanty, a running back whose ability to weave through defenders has made him the talk of not just college football, but the entire NCAA, or at least until the next scandal breaks. Jeanty is on the verge of making history as the first running back to win the Heisman since Alabama’s Derrick Henry in 2015, which has sent traditionalists into a flurry, clutching their passing stats like a pint of milk at a half marathon. “We can’t have this! What’s next? A fullback? A punter?” lamented one esteemed sports journalist while furiously typing out an article titled “Why Quarterbacks are the Only Real Athletes.” “If Jeanty wins, it would undermine everything we’ve built since the beginning of time – namely, the quarterback’s ability to throw a ball twelve yards to a guy standing entirely too close to him!” Critics are also quick to point out that the last two Heisman winners have been, you guessed it, quarterbacks – and they claim the fate of college football may hinge on whether or not someone can throw the ball further than their neighbor's fence. “It’s an offense to the sport! With a running back winning, we might as well start giving Oscars to animatronic raccoons,” one fuming analyst said. Of course, Jeanty is not just any running back. He’s having a season more reminiscent of Barry Sanders than your average back who runs into walls of linemen after about three yards. Between his elusive moves and sheer ability to not trip over his own feet, the Heisman voters are sweating bullets as they consider the unthinkable: rewarding someone whose primary job is not to throw the ball. Even die-hard fans of the quarterback-centric narrative are wavering. “I mean, Jeanty is difficult to watch,” admitted a long-time football fanatic, “but having to watch another bloated quarterback with a perfect fadeaway pass receiving the Heisman is just boring. Let him have it. I’m ready for change!” Some speculate that this could lead to an uprising among wide receivers, running backs, and potentially, god forbid, kickers—who could take inspiration from Jeanty’s performances to pursue their dream of winning the Heisman as well. “Watch out, punters! Your time is coming!” one delighted fan tweeted, as college football undergoes what might possibly become known as the “Revolution of the Unhyped” era. As the countdown to the Heisman unfolds, the pressure mounts. Will Jeanty break tradition and become the first running back to take home the trophy in nearly a decade? Or will Hunter swoop in at the last minute and snatch it, resulting in more red-carpet interviews with slightly-more-attractive-than-average quarterbacks? Only time will tell, but one thing’s for certain: the game is changing, and football fans are either going to cheer or weep, depending on which side of the football passing debate they align with. Meanwhile, college coaches across the nation could be heard mumbling at their weekly gatherings, “Maybe we should start practicing those handoffs just in case.”