In a bold move that may not surprise anyone, Russian officials have officially declared their preference for conflicts to be conducted in a manner akin to their beloved vodka: uninterrupted and served straight. During a recent press conference, Yuri Ushakov, President Putin's foreign policy adviser, confidently met the recent proposal for a 30-day ceasefire with a characteristic blend of sobriety and irreverence. "Why stop now?" Ushakov stated, leaning into the cameras with the elegance of a man who has never missed a shot of the strong stuff. "Ceasefires are for the weak, and we prefer our conflicts like our vodka—neat, chilled, and flowing without pause. If we were to take a break, we might just end up discussing feelings—who has time for that?" The 30-day ceasefire was presented as a forward-thinking strategy backed by U.S. officials, complete with a PowerPoint presentation that featured optimistic graphs and images of doves. However, Ushakov's rebuttal effectively poured cold water on the hopeful narrative, leaving diplomats scrambling for the nearest bottle of something restorative. As the meeting progressed, tensions escalated like a well-shaken martini. Ushakov proceeded to call the proposal "the international equivalent of using a sippy cup for vodka," further stressing, "We don’t need no stinkin’ breaks; we need the full experience!" In response to inquiries about the underlying rationale for rejecting the ceasefire, Ushakov noted, “If life gives you lemons, squeeze them into your vodka, not into your ceasefire negotiations.” Clearly, the Kremlin has no intention of softening its approach or jumping on the peace bandwagon any time soon, preferring instead to savor the "spicy kick" of real-life conflict. Back in Washington, U.S. special envoy Steve Witkoff reportedly left the negotiations scratching his head, pondering whether his next diplomatic mission should consist of bringing a gift-wrapped bottle of top-shelf vodka to the Kremlin as a peace offering. In related news, Russian state media is expected to debut its new advertisement slogan: “Russia—Where the Vodka Flows and the Ceasefires Don’t!”