In a stunning turn of events, a significant flood has swept through Alabama, leaving many residents—especially those in marginalized communities—grappling with the remnants of their homes, hopes, and dreams. As Joe Biden and transportation secretary Pete Buttigieg find themselves literally and metaphorically up to their necks in water, former President Donald Trump has waded into the storm. Literally. Word has it he’s searching for life rafts, promising to throw one out to any desperate soul who can recite the words "Make America Great Again" while balancing on one leg. While the Democrats are busy focusing on headlines, Trump appears to be embracing the chaos, offering bold assurances: “If elected again, I’ll make sure every American, especially Black Alabamians, get flotation devices and maybe some great deals on boats. Tremendous boats. The best boats.” His campaign has even released a new slogan, “Float on, America!” accompanied by images of Trump himself casually tossing life jackets into city streets. Meanwhile, Biden, who earlier unveiled a multi-trillion-dollar infrastructure plan (seemingly written on a napkin during a coffee break), is reportedly stuck in an impromptu press conference with a group of wet voters. He smiles brightly, arm outstretched, and says, “We will build back better! Also…has anyone seen Kamala? I could really use her right now!” Buttigieg, drenched but determined, is busy conducting an investigation into why the flood happened in the first place. Armed with an oversized umbrella and a clipboard, he enthusiastically asks the waterlogged locals if they’ve considered switching modes of transport to something more ‘sustainable.’ “Imagine a world,” he says, “where public transport boats are a real thing! Just think of the emissions we could save.” Nearby listeners immediately begin to question whether those were actually raindrops falling from the sky or just tears of despair as they ponder the public boat system they’ll likely never see. As the water continues to rise, Trump, wearing a "Flood Survivor" t-shirt, starts handing out red baseball caps emblazoned with “Floods Happen, Just Believe!” He stands on a makeshift platform built from overturned crates and holds a microphone as he tells the crowd, “You see, the thing about water is, it’s just like politics. Sometimes it’s calm, sometimes it’s a tsunami. And when it’s a tsunami, you grab a surfboard, and you just ride it all the way to victory!” As Trump rallies the area with promises of infinite life rafts, Biden resorts to his backup plan: releasing a heartfelt video about the importance of community resiliency. Unfortunately, the overly edited footage is ironically cut short by a power outage—a reminder that infrastructure matters, as they stand in knee-deep water. In a final act of goodwill, Trump announces a pop-up “Flood Recovery Rally,” complete with hot dogs, soft drinks, and a surprise performance from Kid Rock. "We're giving people the hope they need!" he proclaims, while locals whisper about how hope looks a lot like a soggy hot dog dipped in deep-fried nostalgia. As the floodwaters recede, the question lingers in the hearts of many: Will they float or sink in this political sea of jest and jibes? One thing is certain; the next election is shaping up to be just as slippery as the streets of Alabama.