In a bold move that has taken the world by storm, the United Nations has declared a global "Progress Day," a celebration of humanity’s unwavering commitment to pretending that everything is just fine. People across the globe are expected to come together in massive rallies, waving banners that read “We’re Almost There!” while they collectively ignore the myriad problems still plaguing civilization, including climate change, political corruption, and the inexplicable resurgence of fanny packs in high fashion. The day begins with a parade in New York City, where officials will unveil the “Monument to Missed Opportunities,” a grand statue featuring a group of smiling politicians atop a pile of broken promises and expired legislation. "This monument represents not just our commitment to progress, but our incredible ability to avoid any actual change," said Chief Celebrations Officer, Delilah Hopewell. "We can’t fix problems we refuse to acknowledge, so we might as well embrace them!" In cities across the world, children will be encouraged to participate in “Future Leaders” workshops, where they will learn how to skillfully dodge responsibility and cultivate the art of gaslighting. Lessons will include “How to Smile While Ignoring Disasters” and “The Fine Art of Band-Aid Solutions.” Experts believe that these skills will serve the youth well in a world where critical thinking and accountability are mere fables whispered by the old. Meanwhile, corporate giants are cashing in on the festivities with a sale of “Limited Edition Progress T-Shirts” emblazoned with phrases like “I Survived Another Year of Status Quo” and “Procrastination Is Better Than No-Cration.” These trendy garments will surely fit right in at the celebrations, where attendees will "consciously uncouple" from reality in exchange for overpriced organic gluten-free snacks and artisanal water sourced from the tears of climate activists. In keeping with the theme of the day, there’s a new line of self-help books scheduled for release, including “The Illusion of Movement: How to Pretend You're Making Changes While Doing Absolutely Nothing.” Author and life coach, Baxter Lament, assures readers that in an age where nothing seems to get better, the key to happiness is simply adjusting one’s expectations to match a complete lack of progress. “As I often remind my clients,” Lament stated in a press conference, “if you can’t change the world, at least change your Instagram filter!” Social media influencers are also getting in on the act, launching a campaign called #ProgressIsPretend, where they will post glamorous selfies alongside increasingly ridiculous affirmations about their "commitment" to change, all while conveniently ignoring any mention of their pollution-producing private jets. As twilight descends on Progress Day, the world’s leaders will gather for a high-profile summit called “Let’s Just Pretend” to discuss what can be done in future years. Unsurprisingly, attendees seem confident that they will continue to uphold the age-old tradition of gathering to acknowledge the existence of problems without ever addressing them. “It’s all about optics,” declared one anonymous diplomat. “You must look busy to convince the public that we’re doing something—anything. Those likes, after all, won’t self-earn!” As the day comes to a close, many will raise their glasses of “Progress Punch,” a mix of equal parts denial and camouflaging optimism, to toast to another year of fine illusions and diluted realities. “Here’s to progress!” they’ll cheer, knowing full well that they probably won’t come any closer to actual solutions tomorrow than they did today. Let the illusion continue!