In a groundbreaking revelation that sent shockwaves through the financial world, Federal Reserve Chair Jerome Powell announced the central bank’s new initiative to transform economic stagnation into a blooming bouquet of interest rate cuts. During his much-anticipated speech at the annual Kansas City Fed symposium in Jackson Hole, Powell boldly declared, “The time has come for policy to adjust”—a thrilling proclamation that has left economists scrambling for their dictionaries to decipher what “policy” truly means in this context. Powell’s announcement was likened to a spring cleaning extravaganza, suggesting that the Federal Reserve is finally ready to dust off those pesky interest rates that have been chilling at a comfortable level for far too long. “We’re just tidying up the economic landscape,” Powell explained, waving a metaphorical feather duster. “Who knew that a little interest rate reduction could spark such joy in the market?” The Chair emphasized that the timing and pace of these cuts would be decided by incoming data—also known as “the things we’ll look at while we pretend to have control over the economy.” With a wink, he mentioned the importance of the evolving outlook and balance of risks, leaving many puzzled as to exactly which risks they should be worried about this week. “You know, just the usual—global pandemics, butter shortages, and now, apparently, an interest rate crisis!” he quipped. As markets reacted explosively to the news, some analysts suggested that this announcement might also be part of a larger trend of anthropomorphizing monetary policy. “Interest rates have feelings too!” one economist asserted, insisting that central banks should be more considerate of their rates’ emotional well-being. “It’s high time we allowed them to experience the rush of being cut down to size!” Meanwhile, a new wellness initiative is also being rolled out alongside the interest rate cuts, encouraging not just economic growth but also “mindful spending.” Powell hinted at an upcoming seminar titled “Zen and the Art of Interest Rate Management,” where attendees will engage in guided meditation focusing on the fluctuating balance of international currencies while listening to soothing sounds of falling rates. As the dust settles on this epoch-making announcement, it remains uncertain how the public will react to these new, lower interest rates. Some experts worry that a sudden influx of cash could lead to a resurgence of consumer spending on extravagant items like avocado toast and artisanal coffee, which, according to an anonymous source within the Fed, could be the true “real risk” to the economy. In the end, as Powell prepares the Federal Reserve for what he calls “The Great Rate Reboot,” one thing is clear: to those in the market, buckle up! Spring cleaning is in full effect, and the interest rates are about to have a very good time.