In a groundbreaking decision that has left environmentalists scratching their heads and corporate lobbyists clinking champagne glasses, the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) announced today that over 60 power plants have been granted a shiny new VIP pass to unleash additional mercury emissions into the atmosphere. This unprecedented move comes as part of the agency's bold initiative to "revitalize the coal industry" and reinforce America’s status as a global leader in, well, pollution. "We believe in giving power plants the freedom to innovate," stated an EPA spokesperson, who assured reporters that these plants have met all the necessary qualifications, including optimal funding from the fossil fuel industry and a proven track record of dodging environmental regulations. "Let’s be honest: who doesn’t love a little extra mercury? It adds character to our lakes and is a fantastic conversation starter at parties." Sources indicate that this decision is part of a broader campaign dubbed “Mercury & Me: A Greener Tomorrow,” which aims to promote mercury as the new hip alternative to kale and quinoa. “Think of it as a superfood for the atmosphere – a little mercury here and there can really spice things up,” said a representative from the American Coal Association, while standing next to a large banner reading, “Coal: The Other Green Energy!” Critics of the decision were quick to point out that increased mercury emissions could lead to serious health risks, including neurological damage, brain development issues in children, and an uptick in fish with three eyes. But the EPA remained steadfast, retorting, “Innovation often comes at a cost. Besides, three-eyed fish are the future of sushi; it’s the next wave of fusion cuisine.” In an effort to promote unity among various stakeholders, the EPA is also rolling out a program called “Pollution Partners,” designed to pair up environmentalists with polluting industries for a fun, productive bonding experience. “Imagine it: a weekend retreat where you learn how to turn a blind eye while sipping lattes brewed with mercury-laced water. Who wouldn’t want that?” joked one EPA official who wished to remain anonymous due to a lack of job security. Supporters of the initiative laud the EPA for its innovative thinking, with one enthusiast declaring, “Sometimes you just have to pollute a little to get the economy breathing again!” The move has sparked excitement across the nation, with energy company CEOs already planning their next board meetings to discuss their favorite new hobby: mining public trust while maximizing mercury output. As this new chapter in American energy policy unfolds, logic and reason appear to have taken a backseat, leaving the drivers of our polluted future tipping their hats to each other in mutual admiration. When asked how he feels about today's announcement, one local fisherman just shrugged and said, "Well, I always wanted to get into the sushi business. I guess I’ll have to learn how to prepare a mean mercury roll." And so, with a hearty cheer for progress (and a wink and a nod to public health), the EPA continues its valiant mission to ensure that America stays at the forefront of pollution innovation. After all, who doesn’t want to live in a world where the air smells like success?