In a stunning turn of events that has left experts scratching their heads, Americans across the nation have come together to point fingers at everything under the sun for the environmental crisis, except their own lifestyles. From vegan avocado toast to hybrid cars, nothing is too sacred to escape the blame as citizens rally in a spirited game of “Pass the Buck.” At a recent town hall meeting in Anywhere, USA, residents voiced their frustrations with the "real culprits" of pollution. In a shocking revelation, several attendees claimed that the high-pitched whine of electric scooters, which they claimed is almost as annoying as the sound of their neighbor’s lawnmower, has become the number one environmental hazard. “It’s the scooters! They’re ruining everything!” shouted one passionate protagonist, while clutching a styrofoam coffee cup in its non-recyclable glory. Meanwhile, experts noted a trend among Americans choosing to blame the agriculture industry for its wasteful practices while simultaneously downing their third cheeseburger of the day. “Don’t even get me started on the cows,” lamented local burger enthusiast and environmentalist, Jerry, after finishing his pipeline of grease and cheese. “It’s disgusting enough they produce greenhouse gases, but who do they think they are, ruining my meal?” Social media platforms have exploded with theories that mysterious cloud formations—previously labeled as “weather patterns”—are the result of corporate conspiracies rather than the pesky reality of climate change. Influencers are now starting the #CloudConspiracy hashtag, inviting their followers to join in on the fun of blaming everything from chemtrails to birds that specifically crop dust their favorite parks. Parents are also getting in on the action, with mom-bloggers blaming the sudden disappearance of butterflies and bees on their kids’ refusal to use reusable snack bags. “If they really cared about the environment, they’d eat all their lunch,” proclaimed one mother, while tossing a pile of single-use plastic wrappers into the family’s bins. It’s a mystery how children have somehow become the gatekeepers of ecological purity while munching on fruit snacks wrapped in more plastic than a spaceship launch. Of course, it wouldn’t be an American blame game without the fast-food industry being salivated over. An informal survey revealed that 87% of citizens believe that drive-thru restaurants are somehow responsible for climate change, despite the fact that they still frequent said drive-thrus multiple times a week. “It’s those greasy bags, man. Those aren’t compostable,” lamented Kyle, scarfing down fries while marveling at his biodegradable but unshakeable soda cup. Meanwhile, corporations have stepped forward with their own defense, claiming that Eco-friendly practices are just “too hard” for the average American to comprehend. In an effort to placate the outrage, one fast-fashion brand announced they will soon be introducing a “sustainable” line made entirely from recycled complaints about the environment. “I’m grateful to finally see Americans taking a stand for a cleaner planet—just as long as it doesn’t interfere with their Netflix binges or weekend barbecues,” said one eco-activist with a slightly confused expression, holding his smartphone tight, ready to post his latest food pic. As the blame parade continues, experts wait with bated breath to see how long it will take for Americans to realize that perhaps the problem lies not in the clouds or convenient excuses but right in the city park, where the lines at the food trucks might be just a bit too long. And until then, as they say, “Blame it on the scooters!”