CHURCHILL, CANADA - Last week, at the groundbreaking ceremony for the 'Polar Bear Prison,' Canada unveiled plans for its newest, most chilling correctional facility. Located in Churchill, Manitoba, the prison will house only the most hardened polar bears, notorious for offences such as ripping seals apart and stalking the tundra. "When you take troublesome polar bears and put them in a place together, magic happens," said Warden Daniel Rawthorne, the only staff member not wearing special heat-resistant overalls, sunglasses, and sunblock. "Dangerous polar bears deserve to be incarcerated together so they don't harm the innocent others." Though some critics have deemed the facility inhumane and questioned the very concept of corrections for polar bears, the Canadian government maintains that this new initiative is necessary to counteract the rise of polar bear crime in the Arctic Circle. The facility is designed with top-notch security measures from both bear-proof entry points and escape prevention systems, which reportedly include laser alarms, biometric locks, and melting ice platforms. "Once a polar bear goes rogue, it's pretty hard to deter them," explains Rawthorne, even though his own ice cream sandwiches had mysteriously vanished from the onsite refrigerator a couple of weeks ago. "We want to show these bears that there are consequences for their actions, no matter how adorable and fluffy they might appear." Programming at Polar Bear Prison will include rehabilitation and behaviour redirection courses, such as seal plushie making and a photography class, where the inmates learn to take pictures of themselves instead of terrorizing the icy landscape. As temperatures plummet, morale has reportedly soared among the corrections officers. One rookie officer, who spoke on the condition of anonymity, shared his enthusiasm for the job: "This is the coolest opportunity I've ever had - literally. Can you imagine watching hardened criminal polar bears side-eye each other during ping pong tournaments?" The Polar Bear Prison has generated mixed public response. Some Churchill residents have expressed concerns about the new influx of criminal wildlife in their town, while others have capitalized on the opportunity. Local businesses are reportedly now selling tickets for 'Polar Bear Prison Tours,' as well as merchandise depicting caricatured 'bad boy' polar bears wearing shades and holding shivs. "Though I feel a little bad for these polar bears, I can't help but be curious," says Shelly Murdoch, a frequent customer at the prison's gift shop. "My kids love their plushies with felonious furry friends. And if the Canadian authorities say this is what needs to be done, we trust them." As the Northern Hemisphere buckles down for the winter, the Churchill community will be keeping an eye out for any frozen delinquents prowling the ice cuts. But for now, one thing is for sure – if you're a polar bear in Canada and think you can get away with murder, or snack theft, chances are you'll end up in the coldest correctional institution imaginable, right alongside the other criminally cute creatures of the icy north.