In a stunning display of bipartisan camaraderie, New York Congressman Lee Zeldin has unveiled a groundbreaking new initiative promising to "play nice" while spearheading the Trump administration's latest assault on environmental regulations. At a press conference held in front of a smog-covered skyline, Zeldin confidently proclaimed, "We can save the economy and the environment, one deregulated bucket of toxic waste at a time!" Unveiling the *Environmental Friendship Act*, Zeldin urged fellow lawmakers to embrace a new era of cooperation bolstered by slogans like "Pollution is just the Earth’s way of recycling!" and "Green is the new black, as long as it’s plastic." The act proposes sweeping rollbacks of emission standards while offering "environmental sensitivity training" to all corporate CEOs. This training encompasses mandatory field trips to local parks, where executives will be encouraged to hug trees while simultaneously lobbying to cut down entire forests in the name of “economic growth.” While critics worry about the implications for climate change and public health, Zeldin reassured them, saying, “If you can’t smell the flowers, just remember—they’re not dead; they’re just on a long vacation from the tyranny of clean air.” His words resonated particularly well with the crowd of coal industry executives and lobbyists, who cheered on this new approach to environmentalism rooted in deep sarcasm and shallow platitudes. The act has also introduced a groundbreaking feature known as the “Carbon Credit Card.” Zeldin described it as a revolutionary way to let big polluters continue their environmentally hazardous practices by merely swiping their credit cards at the climate registry, thus allowing them to “offset” their carbon footprints with hilarious donations to oil spill recovery funds, or by simply tweeting about how much they care about polar bears. To celebrate this joyous occasion, Zeldin has arranged multiple public relations events, including a “Clean Air Festival” where attendees will be encouraged to wear gas masks adorned with neon glitter and to sample complimentary coal-flavored ice cream, which he claimed is “both delicious and symbolic of the refreshing change in our national priorities.” Zeldin has issued a call to action for environmentalists to set aside their concerns and join him in a friendly game of “Let’s Make A Deal.” The congressman has even suggested a rare compromise: if the lawmakers can promise to keep their objections under $500, they may receive exclusive tickets to an upcoming fundraiser featuring a famous climate change denier as the headliner. As public opinion sways wildly between disbelief and resignation, Zeldin’s strategy appears poised for success in a Congress where “playing nice” seems to be the new euphemism for ignoring the impending climate catastrophe. After all, as Zeldin reminds us, “If you can’t put a price on nature, you’re doing it wrong!” And with that sage advice, nothing says “environmental progress” quite like a hefty donation from big oil.