In a bold move reminiscent of a toddler throwing a tantrum over his favorite toy, energy corporations have officially announced their plans to establish the world’s largest oil pipeline directly through the pristine wetlands surrounding Lake Superior. It seems that the pursuit of profit has once again triumphed over the inconvenient nuisance known as “environmental consideration.” In a press conference covered exclusively by the aptly named “Greed Network,” executives from Big Oil Productions unveiled their “Pipeline to Paradise” initiative. “Why let a little thing like an ecosystem get in the way of billions in profits?” exclaimed Sybil Rich, the company’s VP of Resource Exploitation. “These wetlands? They’re just nature’s way of saying, ‘Please, be super rich!’” Environmentalists did not take kindly to the news, posting hashtags like #SaveTheWetlands and #BandThePipeline. Their protests, however, were swiftly labeled as “cute,” with oil executives fondly likening them to “adorable puppies chasing their tails.” One executive noted the irony: “They’re out there shouting about preservation while we’re just trying to preserve our wealth!” The state government has predictably jumped into the fray, with Governor McGreed pledging his full support for the venture. “It’s not about the environment; it’s about the voters’ 401(k)s,” he declared, tossing a pristine Lake Superior lily pad into a nearby bonfire to “celebrate” the announcement. “Our economy needs a boost, and what better way to do that than by drilling a giant hole in the ground?” Meanwhile, town hall meetings have turned into lively discussions about which local river should be nominated for the next Insta-famous #PollutedNationalTreasure challenge. “I personally think we should go with the one that runs through Jimmy’s Bar,” said local resident Patty. “Nothing screams ‘heritage’ like a cocktail made with water straight from the polluted depths!” In an effort to showcase their commitment to the community, Big Oil announced plans to “enhance” the wetlands with a series of picturesque billboards featuring model families enjoying the beauty of the pipeline. “Nothing says ‘pristine nature’ like a scenic view of a quarter-mile-long oil pipeline!” laughed Rich. “Plus, we’ll throw in some inflatable swans for good measure!” As construction dates for the pipeline loom, there are whispers in the scientific community about the potential impacts on local wildlife. “Sure, you might see fewer frogs and more oil spills, but that’s just progress, right?” stated a decidedly unfazed biologist. “Think of it as ‘natural selection’ in real time.” As the sun sets over Lake Superior, environmentalists pack up their “Save the Wetlands” signs, while energy executives plan their next lavish retreat to a resort built in a previous wetlands area. “We’ll just make a new swamp for them to live in!” one oil baron chuckled over a glass of expensive whiskey. “After all, money may not grow on trees, but it sure flows through pipelines!” And so the stage is set. As profit reigns supreme in the land of pipelines and pancake-flat wetlands, we are left to ponder: what will it take for preservation to finally get the upper hand? Spoiler alert: probably a well-funded lobby and an Instagram influencer or two.